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F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living

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Год написания книги
2019
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Here are three examples:

I’ve never liked myself or, to tell you the truth, been very likable. I know it just sounds like I’m putting myself down, but the fact is, I’m not especially good-looking, my grades in school were always average, and I’m a klutz who was always chosen last on any team and hates sports. Now I work at a boring job, live with roommates because I can’t afford to live alone, and date occasionally. I’d actually become comfortable with my status in life, but as the years go by and nothing changes, I’m starting to get restless. My goal is to figure out how I will ever, ever be a winner when there’s nothing about me or my life that seems interesting, attractive, or just plain worthwhile.

I’m glad my marriage has ended, but I just can’t seem to get over my divorce. I miss having a husband and the greater financial security and support I had when there were the two of us. The kids are good and they’re doing well, but I can’t seem to recover my confidence; I’m over my husband, but I won’t feel like I’ve moved on until I’ve found someone else and become a wife again, which won’t be easy since I’m no longer young and good-looking, and most men my age are no longer single. The only guys who want to date me seem to be creeps who are actually already married or just want to be with an older woman. My goal is to find the confidence I used to have, so I don’t drive people away and doom myself to a life of mediocrity.

In my twenties, I had confidence in myself and things were really going my way; I got a series of raises and promotions, girls were interested in me, and I was basically considered a hot property and likely to succeed. Then, a few years ago, I got a new boss who really didn’t like me, my career stalled, and I wound up having to take a dead-end job just to pay the bills. I know that if I were really competent I would find my way back to the fast track and get my career started again, but the economy has tanked and I just can’t make it happen. I’ve gone from star to peon in two years and it’s hard not to feel depressed. My goal is to get back my groove.

It’s hard to feel like a winner if you’re poorer or less accomplished than your friends, making less money that you used to, and seeing no prospects for doing better in the near future. By this logic, if others are winning, that means the loser must be you.

As a society and as individuals we buy into these measures of self-worth, in spite of knowing that bad luck is measured by being poor or alone or losing whatever you had, and that it happens to people who in no way deserve it. The nasty vicious cycle that threatens us all is that, if we let bad luck make us feel like losers, then feeling like a loser generates its own kind of bad luck. Either you protect yourself from taking bad luck personally, or taking it personally brings you down further.

In reality, many people who feel their lives are going nowhere or sliding downhill are actually doing a good job with an unfair mess, trying to do honest work, take care of relatives, and be good friends. They feel like they’re failing life’s trials but, in fact, they’re not, nor have they let low self-esteem drive them into addiction, self-absorption, or bitterness. Indeed, soldiering on when you feel diminished, lonely, and out-competed takes great strengths and is one of life’s ultimate accomplishments.

Having no hope of finding a partner is a major source of deep feelings of failure, yet it often happens to people who are not making social mistakes, neglecting their actual assets, or suffering from nothing other than a lack of confidence and decent selection procedures. It’s great when there’s a simple fix, but often there isn’t, because life is sometimes a social desert for people whose looks, age, skills, or other burdens put a wall between them and the society they’re stuck in and with. Plus, if they blame themselves and tolerate bad dates and nonaccepting friends, they wind up worse.

If, on the other hand, they maintain a faith in their own capacity to connect, despite long periods of isolation and loneliness, and stick to their standards, they are more likely to get across the desert eventually and find the socially compatible oasis they deserve.

So forget about the goal of feeling good about yourself. Enjoy bursts of confidence when you can and take credit for your hard work, but beware making confidence a goal, because that implies control, responsibility, and blame when you can’t make it happen, and it’s wrong and cruel to blame yourself when you’re stuck with a hard life, crap luck, or some deadly combination of the two.

Instead, assume you’re stuck with shit and ask yourself what a good person should do in your situation. A good person is not someone who is trying to be happy, because that’s not possible, but someone who is trying to do right. Make your plans as concrete, realistic, and businesslike as possible, with numbers and timelines. Then monitor your progress, grading yourself according to how you do, not how you feel. You may seem to do little more in a month than get your work done, feed the kids, and make a few phone calls. If, however, you’re doing everything you can reasonably expect yourself to do, in spite of poverty, loss, social isolation, and all the other dispiriting feelings that can drag down your soul, you’re right on course for success.

It’s hard not to compare yourself to others, but try instead to set your own standards, taking into account what you know you’re capable of, and refer to them often. You might not always feel like a winner, but you’ll never lose.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

• Some ability that doesn’t suck

• A friend or lover anytime before you die

• Just one reason for confidence and optimism

• Dreams that might actually happen

• The ability to look in the mirror or back on your life without horror

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Do your best to survive

• Act as if you like yourself

• Keep busy and distracted

• Avoid adding to your troubles

• Change your underwear in the hope that it will change your luck

Here’s how you can do it:

• Replace “should have” and “could have” with “just can’t” and “it is what it is”

• List the daily activities you consider necessary for work, health, survival, and nurturing a personal life

• Grade yourself daily, as if you were evaluating a friend

• Give extra points every time you treat yourself or do something positive during times when you feel like a loser who deserves nothing

• Get a dog (cats are an acceptable substitute, but it’s not exactly confidence building to have a box of shit in your house)

Your Script

Here’s what to say to someone/yourself when you feel trapped, stuck, and totally below average.

Dear [Me/Beloved Pet/The Ceiling],

I know I lack self-confidence, related to my lack of [skills/cash/education/good looks] and inability to [feel more self-confident after I see my therapist/take antidepressants/read self-help books]. However, I haven’t let it drive me to [insert illegal and/or addictive activity], at least not yet, and I’m still taking care of business. I’m still confident in my ability to ignore how confident I [don’t] feel while I wait for my luck to turn.

Did You Know . . . About the Scourge of ESE (Excessive Self-Esteem)?

If you’ve never heard of ESE, you’re not alone; this devastating but, until recently, unrecognized condition afflicts a large number of people who, until now, were thought to suffer from nothing more serious than bad hair and an inability to respond to humor.

It was previously thought that LSE, more commonly known as “low self-esteem,” was the more dangerous condition, because it prevented people from developing the confidence required to make friends, influence people, and become a motivational speaker. Or at the very least, get laid.

It turns out, however, that most LSEs learn how to function quite well in spite of persistent self-criticism and self-doubt, whereas those with ESE are unaware of their offensiveness and resulting broken relationships, and so don’t seek help. Their overconfidence in everything they do, from their terrible decisions involving relationships to their incomprehensible fashion choices, are, sadly, troubling only to those around them. They can continue in life with intricate facial topiary and numerous (mostly illegitimate) children they can’t support, still thinking they’re God’s gift and deserving of their own reality TV shows.

Meanwhile, health care professionals who encounter a flood of clients traumatized by their relationships with ESEs have mistakenly thought the problem was their clients’ own low self-esteem. From a treatment standpoint, it helps a little to feel better about yourself, but it would help humanity a lot more if those suffering from ESE adjusted their self-admiration to more reasonable levels. Until this disorder gets the recognition it deserves by the medical and/or Oprah-centric communities, we all have to protect ourselves from this unfortunately-not-silent killer.

Unleashing the Power of Persuasion (#ulink_d5011a5c-065d-5cb3-8275-356bcc51c792)

Of the many things you’re supposed to feel for yourself before others can follow suit—i.e., love, admiration, even lust—confidence is among the most misleading. The idea that if you believe in yourself, you can persuade others to follow your command, is sold to us near the end of many movies when the unlikely hero finally takes the crown. Sadly, what’s true for Luke Skywalker is rarely true for the rest of us.

People often believe that, with enough training, fitness, or self-hypnosis, they can gain the ability to influence others, sell goods, get clients, get votes, get laid, etc.—all of which depends on the strength of their self-belief. If anything interferes with that self-belief, they become obsessed with trying to figure out how to release the magic or undo the damage, a process that can become a self-critical, self-centered spiral into the dark side.

In reality, persuasiveness depends on, and can be harmed by, factors that are beyond your control, including anxiety, depression, and other illness. Just because you’re successfully persuasive today doesn’t mean you will be tomorrow, and believing that recovering or maintaining this ability is all up to you just worsens your feelings of failure.

In addition, many people just aren’t articulate and never will be. We love to see shy, ugly people transform into great, persuasive performers and politicians—in what other universe would The King’s Speech become a movie?—but the fact that we have to pay to see it at the movies, or get a personal intervention from God, tells you that most of us are who we are and have to work with what we’ve got.

Certainly, you should work hard, train well, and do what you can to build and rebuild your confidence. If, however, your influence is nevertheless waning or just wan and unimproved, don’t self-destruct on self-doubt. Be prepared to admit, after trying all the usual remedies, that maybe there’s nothing you can do to get it or get it back, so there’s no point in ruminating about what you did wrong. You can still believe in yourself, as long as you believe that your flaws and misfortunes are part of the package.

Don’t blame yourself for an accidental encounter with self-doubt, because there’s still much to be done. It may not be as easy or as much fun to win someone over as it would be if you were silver-tongued, but having a silver tongue is not the only way to be effective.

In any case, don’t try to control your confidence in your power of persuasion, as much as you would wish for it. Instead, use whatever other methods you can find, even if they’re not interesting or fun, to get the job done.

Here are signs that the Force of Persuasion is not with you:

• When you try to dress for success, people ask if you’re going to a costume party
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