F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living

• Stop asking why and start asking how

• Prepare a plan of action contingent on your knowing nothing but what you know now

Your Script

Here’s what to tell someone or yourself while you’re totally unable to understand the reason for or source of a problem.

Dear [Me/Family Member/Spouse/Overly Logical Friend]:

I know it’s hard to understand why a [positive adjectives] person like me should have a problem with [addiction/politics/attraction to morons] but I do, and, to date, treatment with [three analysts/kabbalah/Judge Judy] hasn’t given me an answer that makes a difference. I’ve decided that ignorance is okay, but my problem isn’t, and that from now on I need to do everything I can to improve and manage my behavior, just to be the person I want to be. So I will be open about my problem [in meetings/press releases/tweets], welcome observations about my behavior [with/without retaliating], and track my progress over time [in my computer/Facebook/a secret journal that you should burn if I die]. And I will not give up.

Becoming a More Positive Person (#ulink_749b684c-82d4-5707-8827-3e85a302b92d)

Negative feelings, particularly anger, self-pity, and envy, are painful to feel and also to hold back, since unleashing them makes you a jerk who’s a drag to be around. It’s like having to hold in a full bladder all the time, except it’s your mouth, and if you let it go, it could release things so hurtful, mean, and unjustified that you’d prefer having a wet crotch.

So when it comes to becoming more positive and less negative, many people would like to cleanse themselves of negative feelings, remove the temptation to act like a dick, and ease the strain of constant self-monitoring and self-restraint that often makes them tense and cranky and causes them to be dickish despite themselves.

Unfortunately, many things that promise relief from negative feelings aren’t good for you and won’t really make you a better person, even if they make you feel better. You can be justified in attacking someone, physically or verbally, but the satisfaction it brings is limited; it often leaves you with a bad feeling in the long run and gets you more involved with someone you’d like to stay away from.

You might also try to become more positive by withdrawing from whatever causes you to feel negative, but that’s not so hot if it requires you to shed responsibilities, abandon people who need you, or dull down your personality. You may wind up with a serene smile but you may also have betrayed your own standards of behavior.

That’s why your primary goal is not to get rid of negative feelings and feel better, but to block them from controlling your behavior while you continue to act like a decent person.

Don’t stigmatize negative feelings; even pacifists, yogis, and nursery school teachers get road rage under the wrong circumstances (e.g., in downtown Boston). Some people have bad tempers or are chronically grouchy while others are stuck in situations that happen to hit their weak spots and drive them nuts. Either way, if you chastise yourself for having nasty feelings when you really can’t help it, you usually make them worse. After kicking yourself, you’re that much more likely to kick someone else.

Besides, your nasty, demonic side may be part of the spark that makes you creative, funny, and energetic. While that side may not be easy to control or live with, you can try to use that negative energy in good ways. Becoming more positive doesn’t mean becoming sweetly angelic, but rather, decently demonic, or at least decent enough that your friends don’t all tell you to go back to hell.

Here are signs that your nasty side is taking over:

• Instead of driving with your hands at ten and two, you’ve always got one middle finger at twelve

• The glass isn’t half-empty or half-full, it’s just a toilet

• You think the “stand your ground” laws were invented just for you

• You often use the phrase “I’m just being honest,” then say something that just makes you sound like an asshole

Among the wishes people express when they want to improve themselves by reducing bad feelings are:

• To stop hating someone (spouse, child) who doesn’t deserve it

• To be less angry and more kind in general

• To stop pining for what’s lost and get over it

• To stop being controlled by fear

Here are three examples:

My father-in-law is not the worst person in the world, but I can’t get over the feeling that I hate to be in the same room with him, and I have to, because my family lives with him right now. We could never afford to live in a nice house otherwise, and it’s great for our kids, but in the meantime, he sits in the living room every night, watching his TV, bossing his wife around, spouting his hateful political rhetoric, and insulting me at every opportunity, and I want to kill him. Complaining to my wife doesn’t do any good because it just makes her feel helpless, and then she defends her dad’s behavior and I feel worse. I wish he were dead. My goal, if you don’t know a hit man, is to stop hating him.

It’s been two years, and I haven’t been able to get over my divorce. My ex was an asshole who betrayed me terribly and I know I’m better off without him, but for whatever reason, it still hurts. I really loved him for a while there, and I still can’t get over the memories or stop tearing up when I think about him. The kids, who are teens now, are doing better than I am and ask me when I’m going to start dating again, but I can’t imagine a time when I’ll ever be interested. My goal is to get over loving him and feel better.

I wish I wasn’t so insecure. I’m always shy and I get very nervous before networking events, which are a requirement for my work, and my least favorite part of a job I otherwise love. I shake and break out in hives. My brother has always been more confident, but I can’t really blame my parents, because they’ve always encouraged me. It’s my own fault. I thought it would go away as I got older, but I’m thirty, and it’s just as bad as ever, particularly when I get promoted and have to meet new people even more. My goal is to be less nervous and instead have some confidence in myself.

If people could control the way they feel, then persistent negative feelings would be a legitimate sign of failure and a target for self-improvement. Also, nobody would cheat on their spouses, enjoy scary movies, or eat their weight in frosting, but that’s neither here nor there.

Since negative feelings are just a fact of neurology and genetics, it’s what you do with them that counts. The people in these examples are more successful than they think, because success here is not measured by whether they feel better, more loving, less angry, etc. It’s measured by all the good things they are doing and have done in spite of the negative feelings they can’t get out of their heads.

There’s probably a positive, evolutionary reason for having negative feelings you can’t get rid of; they may warn you of danger, give an extra bite of sadness to your songs or poetry, or help you stay attached to your tribe. Whatever advantage they provide, it may have been more helpful in a jungle than in the big city, but either way, if it helps the species survive, it tends to persist, regardless of how much pain it causes you as an individual.

Assuming you’re going to have to live with negative feelings, develop standards for behaving well in spite of them. No, you shouldn’t expect yourself to force smiles so much that they break your face and scare children. You should, however, invite feedback about your behavior from those you trust, so you can be confident that your actions and words don’t hurt people or interfere with your positive strategic goals and, most important, make you act like an asshole.

If you’re self-critical about your negative feelings, you may be tempted to live with people who dislike you as much as you dislike yourself. Naturally, this could set off a vicious cycle that brings out your worst behavior and justifies continuous self-punishment. Instead, seek people who aren’t much bothered by your negativity and who appreciate your positive side. You may be frustrated by their lack of understanding and attention to your supposed worthlessness, but the results will be better for everyone in the long run.

Whether you are forced to live with hate, yearning, envy, or fear, respect what you do with your feelings, not what they do to you. Don’t let them distract you from your usual goals of avoiding unnecessary conflict at home, making a living, and being a good friend.

The more you remember your goals and respect your restraint, the less power your negative feelings will have to shape your actions and reduce your self-respect. You can’t control your negativity, but you can keep it from controlling you.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

• An improved heart free of hate, envy, fear, and general ugliness

• A way of managing relationships that will prevent or resolve bad feelings

• A way to love the ugly feelings right out of yourself

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Build standards that are not distorted or compromised by negative feelings

• Act decently in spite of the way you really feel

• Respect the way you act decently when you feel malicious, bravely when you’re frightened, determined when you’re tired, etc.

• Bear the pain of living with ugly feelings rather than attacking yourself for having them or attacking others to escape them

Here’s how you can do it:

• Get to know your inner asshole so as to reduce the likelihood it becomes outer

• Every time it gets control, emerge with new lessons about your standards and the triggers that get you to lose control

• Avoid those triggers as best you can, even if it means a longer drive to work that avoids the freeway

• Find accepting friends and an accepting coach