F*ck Feelings: Less Obsessing, More Living

• Your words come out as if you’re speaking a foreign language

• Your listeners respond as if you’re speaking a foreign language

• The harder you try to project confidence, the more you get treated like poop

Among the wishes people express when they yearn for the power to persuade:

• To find the confidence to release their inner persuader

• To move the world with the strength of their words and beliefs, or at least move a date, key family members, or important clients

• To stop overthinking and trying to defeat themselves

• To understand where their mojo’s gone

• To trick themselves into thinking they’re great so others will follow

Here are three examples:

I used to be able to hold my students spellbound, but ever since my stroke it’s hard to keep their attention. My speech is clear and my memory is solid, but my words don’t flow and sometimes I get nervous and blush, which never happened before. Then I doubt myself, which just gets me more off my rhythm, and I start to notice they’re fidgeting and bored, and it’s even harder to get back on track. My goal is to figure out how to get back my ability to lecture to my standards or let myself down and retire.

If I wasn’t her son (and only child), I bet I could get my mother to stop drinking. I’m always nervous about how she’s going to respond, so I’m always hesitant and apologetic, instead of telling her why she needs to quit. It’s depressing that I can’t get through to her, but with Dad long gone, I don’t know anyone else she’ll listen to. My goal is to get the confidence to speak to her effectively and get her sober.

There are three guys at the dealership I work at who know less about the cars than I do, but they sell them better because they really think they’re hotshots. I’ve studied the sales material carefully and know it cold, and I sell enough cars to keep my job, but I hate getting beat by guys who are just better at bullshitting than I am. My goal is to get the confidence to be a better bullshitter or get better at bullshit so I’ll have more confidence, get the bonuses, and never feel screwed over again.

Just because you lack persuasive abilities for one reason or another, or find them unequal to the task at hand, doesn’t mean that you should be able to be more persuasive and should keep trying until you are. There’s a certain point—let’s call it the desperation fulcrum—at which pushing yourself to be more articulate makes you repetitive, boring, and overeager, driving people further away from your point of view.

Unfortunately, practice doesn’t make perfect; at some point, after you’ve consulted advisers, tried exercises, and analyzed obstacles, it’s time to accept that the problem is what it is. If you keep on looking at improving persuasiveness as the goal of a failed quest, life will seem increasingly negative and hopeless, and the fulcrum point will move ever closer with each new negotiation.

If you accept your problem as an unfortunate dysfunction you’ve done your best to fix, then the failure isn’t personal. You’ve done a good job pushing your limits (even if they pushed right back) and it’s time to look for alternatives.

Remember, persuasiveness is one of those abilities that can do both good and harm. It can get you sales, votes, and deals, but it also gives you the power to take advantage of others or use negative emotions to get their support, and this may turn into mini–Wolf of Wall Street, damaging your reputation (and eternal soul) in the long run. Even if you get them to do things for you that they wouldn’t for someone else, their motivation will disappear if they think they don’t have your attention.

In any case, there are ways you can achieve your goal even if you don’t have the ability to persuade. One is to follow a commonsense procedure for weighing decisions as if you were the person you wish to persuade. Instead of pushing their emotional buttons, pretend you’re a coach or adviser responsible for reviewing all the reasons for or against a decision, taking into account consequences and your clients’ values.

Whether you’re trying to sell them a car or sobriety, use plainspoken expertise, not flash, to explain the risks and benefits you believe they face. Know the pros and cons well enough that your confidence in your knowledge shines through, and if you still can’t close on the sale, you won’t feel the urge to keep nudging, or to reproach your own unpersuasiveness, since you’ll know you did your best.

So don’t despair if you can’t summon persuasive powers. You may long for the unique pleasure and power of being a wheeler-dealer or orator, but assuming that your main interest is in getting the job done, there are other ways to do it and feel good about your accomplishments instead of desperate about what you just can’t do.

Quick Diagnosis

Here’s what you wish for and can’t have:

• To get people other than your mother to pay attention and take pleasure in listening to you

• To get people to do what you want for financial, sexual, or generally selfish benefit

• To win people over with the natural charisma you do not have

Here’s what you can aim for and actually achieve:

• Offer people a fair summary of the pros and cons of a possible decision

• Persuade people that you’re more interested in enhancing their choices than imposing your own opinion

• Be a knowledgeable, good listener

• Keep your emotions to yourself

• Take satisfaction in meeting your own standards rather than moving others

Here’s how you can do it:

• Develop due diligence procedures for listing the risks and rewards of any decision, including purchases, partnerships, and partying

• Do your research and gather information about decisions you wish to influence

• Present yourself in terms of your interest in finding a good solution, rather than forming a close relationship or winning a contest

• Learn to present information accurately and concisely, even if you’re boring and not funny

• Judge yourself on whether you’ve followed your procedures, rather than on whether someone did what you wanted them to do

Your Script

Here’s what to say to yourself or a skeptical relative, client, or customer when you’re trying, and failing, to sell your point.

Dear [Me/Suspicious Client/Stubborn Relative],

Regardless of my own opinion, I’d like to help you [make a decision/spend a lot of money/pass an exam/get your head out of your ass] by giving you a brief rundown of the [pros and cons /fact and fiction/details I know backward and forward]. If you happen to have strong [insert emotional noun] about this situation, I hope you will weigh them objectively while considering their likelihood, and add them into your overall equation.

Good versus Bad Things upon Which to Base Your Self-Esteem

Standing Up to Bullies (#ulink_c7cd8ab7-4dd3-539b-860c-ae8013d1e70d)

Another big reason people put confidence on their wish list of missing and much-desired attributes is the wish to face down intimidation and humiliation in personal relationships, whether it’s from a boss, parent, or spouse. While calling such intimidators “bullies” seems like an awkward thing to do once you’ve graduated beyond the school bus and playground, the title still seems fitting even if in adulthood the wedgies and swirlies are strictly psychological.

No matter how old you are, when someone insults and intimidates you, you think long and hard, over and over, about what you could have said or done in response. Unless you can also think of how to make a time machine, however, this mental exercise just makes you feel more helpless and less prepared for next time.

Like any animal under attack, you may respond instinctively and say or do something before you have a chance to think. For instance, you may go out of your way not to show fear because it might expose weakness and encourage further attacks, or you feel responsible for defending yourself if you’re criticized for something you didn’t do. In any case, being bullied makes you yearn for strength, verbal ability, and . . . confidence! And probably a gym membership.

The fact is, however, that many people get relatively inarticulate when they’re anxious, and very few people are good at the art of speaking up in the face of authority without getting into trouble. Nevertheless, they imagine they could stand up for themselves if they had more self-esteem, like the movie hero responding with a condescending smile to the bad guy’s sneer and pointed gun.

In reality, standing up to intimidation and facing down bullies is a bad goal. It would feel delicious if you could do it (which is why we love to watch such scenes on TV), but retaliation carries all the risks of road rage: losing your original purpose and direction and risking injury, guilt, and punishment for the unintended harm you cause. You’ve got other goals and obligations to pursue, and fighting battles with people you don’t like and aren’t going to change seldom makes sense, even if they’re smaller than you.

The truth is, fighting back isn’t the antidote to humiliation and intimidation; it’s more often an accelerant. Instead, give thought to values and consequences.

Ask yourself whether the fight is worthwhile and winnable by considering risks and worst-case scenarios and keeping your mouth shut to give yourself time to think. Nobody likes to be bullied or humiliated, but once you’re out of the school yard, the consequences for standing up to bullies are much worse than detention and a black eye, like, say, fines and prison.