Dancing on Coffins. Black comedy

HITCH

No, it’s not.

HOFFMAN tightens up and places a finger over his chin in deep thought.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I wanted to talk to you guys for a while. All of you perfectly well know what our business. Our business is and our business is to bury people – to bury these boring and pityful people. But we don’t have enough work at the present moment. Money too. I suggest you to make jerk. Make jerk together with me.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

All of you perfectly well know that recently people live longer and almost never die.

They go to fitness facilities, pools, get health treatments, get massages, and so on. They love life and revel in health and happiness that it enrages me! They live forever when they should by lying in our coffins, in our eternal tombs! Original advertising and many corpses are necessary to our survival as business!

HAZONE

Wow!

HITCH

(cheerfully)

Harry, are you serious?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I’m very serious.

HITCH

But for advertising, especially creative advertising, we need money! We need to pay for ideas, videos, and displays. And what about dead bodies… Shit! How are you going to get bodies?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Right now we have enough to pay for basic local advertising. From there, we can think of our own advertising. It’ll be so good that people will practically start jumping into coffins.

HITCH

And bodies? Where you will get them, Harry? You can’t get those.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

I’ve thought that over too, and I need your help. By means of our imagination we will create bodies. We will raise the general death toll in the city!

HITCH

The general deaths toll Harry? And how do you propose we do that?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Well, many funeral homes are now closed. They’ve collapsed. This fucking healthy way of life has left them without work. That leaves us room to become the leading business in this industry.

(beat)

Well? Are you with me?

HITCH

Courageous idea. But whether it will turn out or not…

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Only the courageous take the main prize. Or do you want to stretch out your pathetic beggarly existence further? Huh? Trust me. Just trust me – and you will live in own houses, buy fresh meat, and not have to cut off pieces of corpses from hunger. And you’ll have real women – the live and mobile kind.

HITCH

(nodding)

You are right. Well, I’m in.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

How about you Hazone?

HAZONE

I’m in. and Silly too.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

Great.

Hitch quickens.

HITCH

When do we get started?

HAROLD HOFFMAN

As soon as we come up with the money today.

Suddenly, the boys hear knocking on the car roof.

HAROLD HOFFMAN

(hysterically)