Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers

Have we all got such short memories that we have forgotten what we were like as teenagers? Or more to the point, are we horrified at the thought our own children will behave the way we did at that age? Now that is scary.

Depending on your age (and preference), your teenage years may have passed head-banging to Jimi Hendrix, The Doobie Brothers or the Bay City Rollers (okay, it’s true, you can’t head-bang to them). Whichever it was, I can pretty much guarantee that at some point a parent was shouting at you to ‘turn that bloody music down’, and we promised ourselves that when we had children we would never behave like that. We were all positive back then that we would always play music at decibels that left your head ringing. So what happened? We finally turned the music down, not because our parents told us to, but because it was too loud and we finally grew up. Your children will, too; the way they act and behave as adolescents is not how they will be as adults (hooray!).

So you’re probably wondering why we all have to go through five years of stress. It is often reasoned that teenagers need to argue and battle with their parents on their journey to becoming an adult. Perhaps so, but is it really necessary to make everyone’s life a total misery in the process? No.

It’s all about the struggle for control – parents have it and children want it. It’s the way we the parents deal with it that will make the difference to everyone’s behaviour and sanity.

Parents’ handling of their teens basically falls into one of five different categories. It’s not rocket science to choose which one to aim for.

The Angry Parents

Their teens’ behaviour drives parents to distraction and they resort to shouting, ordering, lecturing and saying such things as, what a disappointment they are, how bad or selfish they are, and asking what they did to deserve them.

‘Stay calm!’

RESULT

Shouting at a teenager will produce one result: being shouted back at. Ordering will result in arguments, slamming doors, complete defiance and walking out. These parents are heading for a complete breakdown of communication with their adolescent. And constantly telling anyone – child, teen or adult – how bad they are will usually end up a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The Controlling Parents

These are parents who never let their teens take control of any part of their lives. They resist letting them take any responsibility or suffering any consequences for their actions.

RESULT

These teens grow up unable to make decisions or lead totally independent lives from their parents. If they are not allowed to learn that there are consequences for certain actions they will be incapable of accepting responsibility for their behaviour, creating complete nightmare adults.

The Abandoning Parents

When teens start to push away from their parents, these parents are more than happy to let them go, believing that their parenting days are over. These teenagers are left floundering with no support or guidance. They can see who they want, when they want and come and go with little to no supervision.

‘Now, darling, when you’re out tonight, I don’t want you to smoke or drink.’

RESULT

Hands-off parenting can have devastating results. It doubles the risk of teens smoking, taking drugs and drinking. The lack of loving, caring, supportive parents (or parent) can lead to violence, depression, anxieties and even mental health problems.

The Over-indulgent Parents

These parents did not put enough boundaries in place when their teenagers were children and gave them everything they wanted except positive attention and discipline. They run around after them and think their only needs are chauffeuring and money, which they satisfy generously.

RESULT

Teenagers are very disrespectful of their parents in the way they treat them and talk to them. These adolescents need proper communication with their parents instead of an open cheque book.

The Respectful Parents

These parents respect their teens by listening, setting boundaries, compromising, trusting, supporting and encouraging. These adolescents are given responsibility but are also taught that there are consequences to their actions.

RESULT

Teens who have a close bond with both or one parent and feel trusted, loved and supported, will usually have excellent relationships with their parents. (This fact has actually been proven by research into teenage behaviour.) These children will be able to experiment with their new independence and will develop and flourish within this supportive framework.

There are a few basics that every parent of a teenager should remember:

Keep calm. If necessary, take several deep breaths before answering your teen’s requests. Above all, avoid shouting.

Don’t be drawn into arguments, learn to bite your lip and walk away rather than have to get the last word in.

Compromise and negotiate where possible to avoid using the word, ‘No’; when you have to say it, mean it, and don’t be bullied into changing your mind.

Always try and use example to highlight issues rather than telling them outright.

Avoid sarcasm.

Keep a sense of humour, laughter is very de-stressing.

Try and rephrase questions, such as, ‘Have you done your homework yet?’ to the less controlling, ‘How’s the homework coming on?’When the going gets tough: sit down with a glass of wine and remember how gorgeous they were at 5!

Give them responsibility over their own behaviour wherever possible.

Tell them you trust them to do the right thing.

Try and be enthusiastic and positive about their friends, opinions and hopes.

Avoid saying in any form, ‘I told you so.’ It’s smug and unnecessary; after all, you should know better, you are the parent.

Remember they still need your physical affection, just never show it in front of their friends.

Try and empathize with what’s going on in their head.

Try and avoid constantly arguing with your partner in front of your children.

Do not burden them with all your problems.

Keep a supply of well-chilled wine in the fridge.

But above all, don’t be scared to parent your teenager, they need you now more than ever.

What teenagers really need (#ulink_e3ba3d05-5797-5a6c-917e-4b9a2c812cbb)

What teenagers really need is love, respect, trust, support, understanding, encouragement and responsibility, and not the TV, computer, DVD, iPod, wardrobe full of designer clothes and unlimited allowance as they would lead you to believe.

The best way to help support your children through adolescence is to be involved in what’s happening in their lives and talk to them on a daily basis. Even as teenagers your children need physical affection from you and they will still learn from example, so make sure you’re always setting a good one.

Now that your teenagers are leading more independent lives you are less likely to be with them to demonstrate how they should behave. If you simply try and tell them a

These are what they think they need