Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers

These years are the final push for teenagers towards becoming independent and leaving home to lead their own lives and it is a difficult time for many parents. Every aspect of their lives to date we have been heavily involved in, whether it was choosing the hand-embroidered smock dress or where they went to school, the parents’ choice prevailed. But now your child no longer thinks your input is needed (apart from monetary and chauffeuring) it’s hard to just sit back and let them make their own choices. But you simply must not try to quash or comment on every aspect of their lives.

The more we show our respect and trust in our teenagers the more they will reward us with their responsibility, and the more responsible they are the less stressed we are. They will soon realize that by showing us how responsible they are, they can have more freedom of choice.

The first time my son wanted to go to London on public transport I was concerned he was too young, but he said all his friends travelled on their own. So I relented, but asked that he ring me when he was just getting on the train, when he arrived in London and when he met up with his friends, and the same on his return. As he stuck to the agreement, it was fine and he was soon a regular commuter.

Explain to your teenagers that we want them to go and see their friends and have a good time, but our main concern is for their safety, and it is for that reason that we need to know where they are going and who they will be with.

And we do expect them to ask if they would like to go out or need a lift, with as much warning as possible.

Teenagers will rebel against lecturing, preaching, orders and being judged. Talk to them adult to adult. Even as adults they must realize that there are still rules and that there will be consequences if the rules are broken. For instance, if your teenager overspends on his mobile phone allowance, he will lose the use of it for a week. Although punishing teenagers can be tricky, if you start threatening an older teenager that they can’t go out at the weekend they can walk out. If you cut down their allowance they might steal, and physical punishment is bullying, rarely has any affect and can lead to a physical struggle.

This is why it is important for teenagers to be given responsibility for their own actions. For example, if they leave their bike outside instead of putting it in the garage, and it gets stolen, it won’t be replaced. As a parent you can be sympathetic, ‘What a shame, there are so many dishonest people around, I’ll get you up earlier for school as unfortunately you’ll have to walk now, darling,’ not the moaning, usual, ‘I told you not to leave it out, I told you this would happen, now I’m going to have to get another one, do you think I’m made of money?’

Sam: ‘I do understand why parents get worried, but most times I wanted to do something that my parents were worried about, I would point out that I keep out of trouble and I am responsible. Sometimes I say, “Mum, you know you can trust me,” because she can, and she lets me go.’

how to avoid arguments

Try and avoid head to head arguments. All they will achieve is bad feeling on both sides. Arguments often end up with shouting, unnecessary name-calling and accusations that both parties will later regret. Keep calm, don’t swear, don’t bring up past problems, respect and listen to what your child has to say. While your child is talking resist the temptation to interrupt, accuse or judge. Listen properly and respond. Always remember that you are the adult and they are the child, although I would strongly advise you never to point this out to them.

With any issue, sit down privately with your teen and work out between you a compromise that you are both happy with. For instance, if your teenager came home late without letting you know, instead of shouting, ‘What sort of time do you think that was to come in? You are so irresponsible, you’re not going out for a week,’ try sitting down with them and explaining, ‘I was so worried when you were late. You’re a responsible person so please in future just ring me to let me know. And make sure your mobile is on so I can ring you.’

When you raise an issue with them, just stick to one thing at a time. If the immediate problem is poor results in recent school exams, discuss why and ways to solve it, don’t drag in other issues…your room is always untidy…you don’t help enough around the house. And avoid trying to get too personal, as that is not treating your children with the respect they deserve and you can hardly blame them for arguing back at you. Just as with small children, it is necessary to be clear that it is not the child who displeases but their behaviour or attitude you are not keen on.

Continually telling your teenager how awful they are is likely to become a self-fulfilling prophecy for them. However, if you tell them they are responsible and that you trust them, they are far less likely to let you down. Once they start going out with their friends, let them know what your expectations of them are, and what sort of an allowance they can have. Acknowledge that they may be drinking but to be sensible and not to come home and vomit in the hall. And if they do, they can clear it up.

Boys are not very good at arguing with any verbal dexterity and usually resort to name-calling or aggression to make their point, whereas girls are quite verbal and usually throw in a measure of emotion as well. Avoid being dragged into a drawn-out argument. The argument will usually be about something the teenager wants to do and the parent says, ‘No.’ First, the parent should listen calmly to the reasons put forward by the teenager as to why they should be able to do this certain thing, if necessary asking questions, and if the parent is absolutely positive their reply will still be ‘No,’ then the parent should tell them so, along with any reasons for coming to the decision. If you are in this situation, explain calmly, even apologize, that on this occasion the matter is no longer open for negotiation. Walk away. The matter is closed. Whatever the child replies, from cries of, ‘You’re so unfair,’ to nastier name calling, you must not get dragged back in to the argument. Not unlike toddlers whose parents finally give in to their tantrums, teenagers will soon learn if they have the type of parents who will (after enough whining and moaning) change their mind. This will only lead to parents literally being bullied into changing their minds in the future. It is possible, of course, that circumstances may change (for instance, a friend’s parent can give them a lift after all) which therefore eliminates the reason for the refusal. In this case, explain why you have had a change of mind.

A successful way to avoid the risk of an argument is to, whenever possible, hand the prerogative to the teenager, give them the responsibility for their own actions and immediate destiny. Get them to agree that they can go out with their friends but only after their history homework is finished. Then if the history homework fails to be done, they only have themselves to blame. If they start screaming and shouting, simply point out that they knew what the consequences were, the responsibility was theirs; this is what they agreed. End of story.

When one parent is engaged in ‘discussions’ with their teenager, it is imperative that the other parent doesn’t get involved, especially if they are going to contradict what is already being said. Not only will this demean any parental authority and allow the teenager to see one parent as more reasonable, it will without doubt cause conflict between the parents, and the ‘discussion’ between parent and child can soon become a full-on argument between the two parents.

respecting their privacy

One of the first noticeable differences when your children become teenagers is their need for privacy and you will be showing your respect by allowing them this. Boys especially can spend hours on end in their room. However hard it is to accept they will suddenly want to spend time alone in their room, with their music, the very last thing they want is a parent barging into their room unannounced. Even siblings barging in will get shouted at, but your teenager will be far less impressed if you show up unannounced.

The respectful way is to knock on their door and announce who it is and ask if you can go in. WAIT for a reply – just because you have knocked does not mean you

Respect their privacy

can enter. They will usually reply, ‘Yes,’ or ‘Just a minute.’ If the reply is ‘No,’ and you need to speak, ask if they could come to the door and say what you need through the gap. Don’t start whining, ‘What are you doing in there that I can’t see?’ or ‘Why can’t I come in?’ You asked the question, respect the answer. But if you can smell smoke or dope, ask them to come and see you (privately) in five minutes and then discuss it – don’t bother to mention what it concerns as they will have time to invent replies.

Make sure all siblings know this house rule and obey it. And, of course, you should expect the same courtesy if any of your children want to come into your bedroom.

Sam: ‘This can be a real issue and every teenager wants their privacy. I have many friends who get into huge arguments with their parents when they step in unannounced or knock and just barge in. It is totally disrespectful and kind of gives the impression that parents don’t trust you. This is a really unnecessary cause of arguments.’

Diaries

Girls very often keep diaries to write down their feelings they may not wish to share with anyone else, including their parents, regardless of how close and open their relationship is as a family. Parents should never read their teenager’s diary, however tempted they may feel. They may well read things that were written in a moment of stress or haste that will alarm them enough to prompt them to ask their child about its contents. As soon as they do the child will know that their parent has read their private diary. Regardless of the raised voices and arguments that will undoubtedly ensue, the trust between the parent and their child will have been broken. The result will be the teenager hiding their diary and being even more secretive than usual.

Fran: ‘My real mum once read my diary, and then to make it worse, quoted comments from it in front of a big group of her friends. There was nothing that bad in it but the fact that she invaded my privacy like that really upset me.’

how to behave with friends

How Your Teenagers Should Behave with Your Friends

By the time your children are teenagers, good manners and behaviour should certainly be second nature.

If your teenagers are sitting watching TV or working at the computer and you enter with someone new for them to meet, they should stop what they are doing, stand up, shake hands and introduce themselves. As the parent you will probably add something about the visitor which your children should pick up on and ask a relevant question. If it is a family friend they should again stop what they are doing, stand up, either shake hands or kiss and make the effort to ask how they are or enquire if they’ve been on holiday and if so did they have a good time.

Sons and daughters should, without having to be asked, help lady guests and even men guests with their coats.

If a family friend visits and the parents are out, your teenagers should ask if they would like a soft drink or a cup of tea and talk to them until their parents return, not leave them on their own whilst they return to the TV.

Explain to your teens how important it is to show an interest in the person they are talking to and not just talk about themselves. It is also worth mentioning that at parties, however boring the person is they are talking to, they must keep eye contact and not let their eyes wander around looking for someone more interesting. To extricate themselves from the ‘party bore’ (which is usually the person who has nothing to say or only talks about themselves or their pet subject) rather than just walk off, they should politely say, with a smile, how enjoyable it was to talk to them and that they hope to see them later (not adding that this will preferably be from a distance).

How Teenagers Should Respect Their Friends

There is no time more important than adolescence for your teens to have friends. Teenage friends have tremendous influence over each other; they are like a halfway house between parents and being completely independent and replace parents in many areas. They discuss everything with their friends and look to their friends for approval, support and loyalty. Adolescents think alike, feel alike and they understand what each is going through. Friends don’t stand in judgement as some parents do; they allow their friends just to be themselves. And teenagers need someone to share their innermost thoughts, feelings and anxieties with.

Thirteen and fourteen year olds crave popularity at school and acceptance by their circle of friends. Girls’ relationships with their girlfriends are very emotional and that is the reason they can become so nasty and jealous. But this stage usually passes by the time they are fifteen and they settle into more relaxed, respectful relationships.

If your teenager seems worried about a friend of theirs, try and get them to discuss it with you and offer some helpful advice. If there is a suspicion that the friend has a problem with drugs or alcohol, suggest ways in which your teenager can help and remind them that ignoring the problem is never helping.

Teenagers tend to be very loyal to each other but if your child starts moaning to you about someone in particular, try and work out with your teen why that person is behaving in that way. After all, they are going to have a lifetime of meeting and working with people, so discussing why people behave the way they do is fairly interesting and sometimes quite intriguing.

How You Should Behave with Their Friends

Although teenagers may remark that other friend’s parents are ‘so cool’ or ‘legends’, or that youngish mothers who wear even…‘younger’ clothes look ‘hot’ or ‘fit’, what they actually want their own parents to be is ‘normal’. ‘Normal’ is wearing normal clothes, not trying to look too fashionable or too young or even worse, too trendy. ‘Normal’ is ordinary language, not trying to talk in da lingo of teenagers and not trying to act or speak hip in front of their friends.

Treat their friends with respect, be polite and friendly, don’t make embarrassing comments or criticize and don’t reveal any information that your teenagers may have told you about them or ask any embarrassing questions. And don’t disclose anything that you have been told about anyone else by your teenagers to your friends.

As for your own children, never say anything to their friends about an incident relating to them, their behaviour, anything they said about anyone else or anything that could be construed as embarrassing. Another ‘no-no’ is to put your children down in front of their friends, for instance, ‘I wish you could talk some sense into Billy, I certainly can’t get through to him.’ Or ‘I don’t know why Billy can’t have his hair the same length as yours instead of all over his face.’ Comments like these will not only annoy and upset your own child but embarrass their friend.

You need to gain your teenager’s trust that you can be amongst their friends and neither do nor say anything embarrassing. And don’t be surprised when your teenagers don’t want to be seen in public with you. It’s not personal.

In my late teens a good friend of mine was distraught that her boyfriend had left her and the mere mention of his name would set her off in floods of tears. As she was coming to our home for supper I primed my parents not to say anything about it to her, but to talk of other things. They both guaranteed they wouldn’t mention it. As soon as she arrived, the first thing my father said to her was, ‘Hello Nicky, where did it all go wrong, then?’

Another time when I was sixteen, a guy I had fancied for months finally asked me to dance at a nightclub and drove me home. In our drive he had just leaned over for the kiss I had dreamt about for months when my father started flashing the outside light, then appeared in his pyjamas beckoning for me to go in. I was so embarrassed I could have died. I stormed past him and he seemed genuinely surprised that I was angry. Fathers!

Having Their Friends Around to Your Home

If you work at having a good relationship with your teenagers, they are more likely to bring their friends home. Actively encourage this so that you get to know your teenager’s friends, and when your children are at your home with their friends, you know exactly where they are and with whom (two big worries out of the way!).

However, don’t be surprised if when you first suggest they have some friends over they may be a bit hesitant because they don’t want to be embarrassed (by you) and they still want to appear cool, so before they come around it’s best to talk to your teenager about the visit to avoid any pitfalls. Don’t forget, as this is your home and your domain, when your teenager has friends over, you will be the one doing most of the compromising.

First, explain to your teen what you would expect. Point out where their friends can put their coats and shoes (you may be a parent who doesn’t want six pairs of size 10 trainers on your front doormat), that you would like to meet the friends, so before they disappear into a room they could pass by the kitchen to be introduced. Explain that you do not want to hear foul language emanating from their room which should be enough of a warning to make sure your teen keeps his or her friends under control.

WATCHING TV, CHILLING OUT