Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers

Whether they are going to watch TV or just chill out and listen to music, allocate a room for them, perhaps your teenager’s bedroom if it’s big enough or, if you’re feeling generous, the sitting room. If it’s going to be the bedroom, help your teenager pick up the clothes off the floor and give them some extra cushions or pillows to make it more comfortable for everyone.

Reassure them that you will not just barge in to the room, and that if you need to speak to them you will knock and wait, so under no circumstances will they lock their door. Discuss how loud they can have their music which will be acceptable to all. Explain to younger children that their older sibling will be having friends over and they can say hello, but they are to leave them in peace, and suggest that you can do something together.

FOOD AND DRINK

Tell your teen that you will supply some pizza/sandwiches/snacks and drinks.

Depending on their ages you may like to offer low-alcohol or normal beer. If they are going to have plates, glasses or mugs in the room, simply ask your teen if they would be kind enough to put them in the kitchen by the sink or in the dishwasher before they go. Make sure the waste bin is empty and tell your teen to make sure everyone puts their empty cans, crisp and snack wrappers in it. As it’s your home, you may certainly insist on a smoking or alcohol ban in or out of your property.

When the friends arrive and come to say, ‘Hello,’ shake their hands and be welcoming, do not say anything to embarrass or demean your teenagers or their friends, as this is a sure-fire way of them never inviting anyone back again.

If, for any reason, you are unhappy once they are in the house, for instance the music is much louder than you agreed or you can hear swearing, knock on the door and ask for your teen to come out for a minute to see you, then explain the problem and ask them to rectify it. Once again, under no circumstances barge into the room and turn the music or TV off in front of them.

Make sure you say, ‘Goodbye,’ with a smile and not a scowl, and more than likely they will all thank you. Never say anything crass such as, ‘I hope you all had a good time, Billy was so worried about having you all over, but now you can see we’re not as bad as you thought, I hope you come again.’ ‘Goodbye, great to meet you all,’ is enough.

How They Should Behave in Their Friends’ Homes

Regardless of how your teenager’s friends behave at your house, your concern is, how do your teenagers behave when they are in their friends’ homes? Surprisingly, even quite young children, if they have been taught correctly at home, will behave extremely well in other people’s homes. But as with most areas of their lives, teenagers should take on that little bit more responsibility. For instance, when they first arrive they should make the effort to go and see the parents, shake hands and ask how they are. If one parent is out but returns later and comes to say ‘hello’ when they are sitting down, they should stand up to shake hands.

If they have been invited for supper to their friend’s house, remind them about their table manners and suggest that they help clear the table and offer to wash up. And if they stay the night ask the mother if she would like them to strip the bed. If she declines, they should leave the bed either made or turned down neatly.

It goes without saying that your teens must thank their hosts verbally or, depending on the situation, write a short letter of thanks.

parties for thirteen to fifteen year olds

In a way this is a harder age to please than sixteen pluses. Sixteen pluses want alcohol, music and the opposite sex. Many thirteen to fifteen year olds want exactly the same but for moral and legal reasons they can’t have it, so an alternative needs to be found. They may also still be at the age where they want to invite the whole class, but personally that’s not a good idea. Small is manageable. So unless your children come up with some workable ideas, offer some suggestions. For instance, you will treat six friends to the cinema, pizza supper and let them sleep over. Even at this age they may start asking if boys can sleep over, and your decision may well depend on your nervous system, the size of your house and compliance. If you agree, make it quite clear, boys in one room and girls in another. As a parent holding a mixed sleep-over you have a responsibility to the other parents to try and avoid the risk of exposing their children to sexual activity.

parties for sixteen years upwards

The inevitable time will come when you hear the words you knew you would always dread: ‘Can I have some friends round for a party?’ Your immediate thoughts will be of cigarette burns all over the furniture, gate-crashers, flour, beer and vomit all over the floor, broken basins and cisterns and the police being called to break up the public disturbance. So before you hit the ‘Absolutely not, do you think I’m mad?’ button, take three deep breaths and ask them to come and discuss it with you.

STEPS TO A SUCCESSFUL TEEN PARTY

1 First and foremost, they must agree to clear up after the party by a certain time the following day. If they don’t agree willingly, negotiations are off.

2 Keep numbers low for the first party, about twelve to fifteen. If they say they want more, explain that if this party goes off without a hitch then the next time they can probably have more.

3 To avoid gate-crashers, ask them to invite their guests over the phone in the evening and to keep it to themselves, because if it gets around it will have to be cancelled.

4 Provide food to soak up any alcohol, like sandwiches, pizza, cheese and biscuits or bowls of Chinese/ Indian dishes and rice, or a big pasta dish and French bread.

5 Depending on their ages provide some limited alcohol and low alcohol beer, non-alcoholic wine and soft drinks and plenty of small individual bottles of water.Take precautions to avoid gate-crashers

6 If you want to put some candles out make sure they are in storm lanterns so that they cannot easily be knocked over.

7 Work out how loud the music can be without annoying the neighbours.

8 Warn the neighbours.

9 If the neighbours are good friends suggest you all go out for supper.

10 Get younger siblings to stay with friends.

11 Sadly, it is a fact of life that many teenagers smoke, so either ban it completely or allocate a smoking area, if necessary outside (but away from being seen from the road) and provide ashtrays or allow them to smoke in one room (for example, the kitchen) only.

12 Tell them that if they see any of their friends getting the worse for wear, they should make sure they drink plenty of water as vomit is really nasty to clear up. Explain where the bucket, rubber gloves, paper towelling and cloths are, just in case.

13 Arrange a time that you will be home and a time by which you expect them to be gone.

14 If any are staying over, buy in some bacon and rolls so that your teen can make everyone breakfast before they start to clear up.

15 If they’ve had a good party and cleared up as agreed, congratulate and thank them for making it such a success.

Sam: ‘However annoying cleaning up after a party is, it’s well worth it because I was allowed to have more parties. I felt that my Mum was generous enough to allow me to have the party and get things ready so I wanted to keep to my part of the deal. My friends respect/worship my Mum for all the effort she always puts in and they don’t mind helping to clean up in the morning.’

Four Support (#ulink_7e3eb366-be02-5fd3-bfa6-6435807b1966)

food and diet

Our eating culture has changed since even a generation ago. In many homes, home-cooked meals around a table with the family have been replaced by eating fast-food, takeaways and processed meals often in solitude in front of the TV, and children are all the poorer for it.

During adolescence you will notice many changes in your teenagers’ eating habits for which there are many reasons. The more understanding you have of the reasons, the easier it will be to support and benefit your growing children. Convincing your children to eat a healthy diet can feel like banging your head against a brick wall (repeatedly) but it is not, I have to add, impossible (or as painful!).

Always be a good example – it’s no good sitting down to pizza and chips on a regular basis and telling your teenagers to eat a healthy diet. If you always provide a healthy meal, regardless of how simple, they will eat it. Obviously, there will be foods they prefer to others – that is normal – but, for instance, if they dislike a piece of fish they might enjoy fishcakes.

Provide a family meal, as often as possible, that everyone will enjoy, such as a roast, steak and home cooked oven chips, or tuna salad with a baked potato. If you can’t think of simple healthy (quick) meals treat yourself to a cookbook that will provide them.

Suggest your children food shop with you one day to see if there is anything they see that they would like to try, as getting children interested in choosing food is the first step to getting them to eat healthily.

food and behaviour

Moodiness, lack of concentration, poor intellectual performance and disruptive behaviour can all be connected to a poor diet.

Recent reports have indicated that it is not only young children whose behaviour is affected by food. In 2002 The British Journal of Psychiatry published research of their findings in a controlled trial involving 230 young offenders. Half the offenders received supplements of vitamins, minerals and essential fatty acids and the other half received placebos. The group on the supplement committed 40 per cent fewer violent offences than the group taking the placebo and offending was down 25 per cent. Bernard Gesch, a senior research scientist in physiology at Oxford University, points out that nutrients are vital in the biochemical processes that produce serotonin and dopamine, brain transmitters which are known to affect mood.

High sugar laden sweets, snacks and drinks can change the normal biochemical pathways, resulting in moody and disruptive behaviour. Products made from pure white flour will also convert into pure sugar with the same results.

High-fat or high-sugar meals can leave some people feeling very low after consumption. Schools that have taken out sweet vending machines and replaced them with fruit have found children more able to concentrate and less disruptive.

Growing Spurts

There will be times when you are simply amazed at the amount your children are eating. You may well wonder where can all that food possibly be going, but don’t worry, continual grazing between meals is quite normal. Although half an hour after a proper meal they claim they are ‘starving’, they probably are. And unless they are grossly overweight, don’t worry about it.

If you start to notice they are eating less it may be because their growing spurt is temporarily over and not necessarily because they are dieting (see Eating Disorders, page 198).

How to Help

Keep plenty of low-fat, low-sugar, healthy foods and snacks in the house. Healthy cereals (not the chocolate flavoured, high-salt, sugar-laden ones), brown bread, cheese, lean ham and cooked chicken, fresh fruit, nuts, yoghurt, ice-cream (check contents, it should have milk, eggs and cream – you’d be amazed at how many don’t – plus flavourings), low-fat crisps and snacks, carrots, cherry tomatoes and cucumber sticks with low fat dips such as hummus. Try and stay clear of too many processed foods.