Yes, Please. Whatever!: How to get the best out of your teenagers

list of dos and don’ts they will see you as being too controlling and probably ignore your advice.

The most successful way to convey your opinions and expectations of their behaviour is by introducing different subjects into conversations. The car or dinner table are best for keeping their undivided attention.

Use examples of other teenagers’ behaviour, or use something you’ve read or experienced, or simply put dilemmas to them to see what their reaction would be. For instance, ‘I was on the train the other day and there were four teenagers sitting together, swearing loudly, eating hamburgers and chips that stank the carriage out, and then they left their rubbish on their seat when they left. They were an absolute disgrace, everyone in the carriage was disgusted with them.’ ‘How do you know we don’t behave like that on the train?’ ‘I know you know how to behave and I don’t believe that you would let yourselves or me down like that. I have every faith in you to do the right thing.’

By using examples to get your point across, your children learn how you feel about issues and how you would expect them to react or behave in similar circumstances. It also offers them the opportunity to ask hypothetical questions.

For example, ‘You’ll never believe this, I read in the paper the other day that a sixteen year old had slept with this boy and lied she was on the pill, as she hoped if she got pregnant he would become her regular boyfriend. How sad is that?’ Daughters will usually be prompted to ask, ‘What would you say if I said I was pregnant?’ ‘Well, first darling, I would hope that you would wait until you are a bit older than sixteen and definitely in a long-term relationship, then do the sensible thing, use contraception. But what a shame that poor girl was so naive to think that getting pregnant or having sex with someone is going to make him like her more. Boys will nearly always have sex with girls if it’s on offer, but when they know a girl is that easy they seldom want her as a girlfriend.’ ‘But if the contraception didn’t work and I was pregnant, would you throw me out?’

‘There is nothing you could do that would make me throw you out, but I obviously wouldn’t be delighted for your sake. It would restrict your future options so much, but if it happened we would work it out. You know you can always talk to me about anything, especially things that worry you.

Obviously the way you conduct your life and treat people will have just as big an impact on your teenager’s behaviour as what you say.

And they need all the following probably more now than at any other time during their lives so far:

Love and attention

Respect

Support

Communication

Two Love and Attention (#ulink_6e3db74c-231f-50c5-9a71-25606ce4ebc4)

Showing unconditional love towards your children should never stop, whether they are two or thirty-two. It’s just the way you and they demonstrate it that will change. They no longer want to sit on your lap with a bottle of warm milk and be told a story at six o’clock every evening; they would much rather sit on a friend’s lap, guzzling crisps and fizzy drinks (or some sort of alcopop) watching some inherently violent film until three in the morning. But that’s growing up for you.

Even as adults our needs change. Think back to when you were first married or living with your partner – you couldn’t keep your hands off each other, any excuse, any where: the floor, the sofa, the shower, the kitchen table (pre-kids obviously). However, fourteen or fifteen years on you’d probably blush at the thought of the kitchen table: ‘But I’ve just polished it!/What, with your back?/What, here and now, are you mad?’ In fact, let’s be honest, our idea of multiple orgasm would probably be a day on our own at a health spa being completely spoilt, cosseted and pampered with every treatment known to mankind while quaffing a glass or two of chilled champagne. But it doesn’t mean we love our partners any less or our love has changed (well, hopefully not), it’s just our needs.

And it’s the same for the parents of teens; your love shouldn’t change, it’s just the way you demonstrate it that will. Your children still love you, they just may not show it in the way they used to. So, although the dynamics of your relationship have changed, that unconditional love must not, although you may feel it’s being put to the test a few times.

Some parents with teens who are permanently at each other’s throats can forget how much they love their children as they actually begin to think they dislike them. What they dislike, of course, is not them, it is their behaviour.

how to show love

Showing love to your teenager can be far more testing than showing love when they were little. Showering your cute three year old, who simply can’t get enough of you anyway, with mushy kisses and cuddles was easy, but now what? Your teenager may dream of mushy kisses and cuddles, but sadly not from you any longer, but this is not to say they do not want physical affection from you, it’s just the way that you demonstrate it will be different.

Children will obviously mature and hit puberty at different times, so there is no definite age when you can say any show of public affection must stop. But you’ll soon realize the moment your child pulls away from the kiss on the cheek in public.

Physical Affection

First, a big no-no is trying to show any physical affection in front of their friends. So forget the goodbye kiss at school (in fact, if you’re still doing the school run, they may even want to be dropped off a little distance away so they can saunter in on their own). In general, most teenagers don’t want to be seen in public with their parents and especially not with any show of affection. A reassuring squeeze on their arm or a pat on the back will be enough.

Obviously, some children are less inhibited and in these cases will kiss you goodbye, which is great, but let your children lead in this area.

However, at home it is extremely important that physical contact is kept up. When they leave for and return from school, a hug and a kiss will be very welcome. Hugging is comforting and reassuring and reassurance is one thing teenagers need loads of. If you’re watching TV in the evenings let them put their feet on you and give them a foot massage or put your arms around them or even just hold your daughter’s hand.

It is so easy to overlook physical contact with growing children but it is vitally important to them.

When they are doing their homework or are in front of a computer screen, take a few minutes to give them a shoulder and neck massage. If they are upset about exam results, or not making the school team or having a rocky relationship, a good hug will help them to feel better. Also, whilst you are administering sympathetic hands, they are easier to talk to as they are less likely to move away.

Teenagers also become much more aware of their parents’ relationship. And although seeing their parents kissing and even hugging will cause them enormous embarrassment, it is actually very healthy for them to see adult affection, that their parents are happy and at ease with each other.

Teenage sons often try and distance themselves from their mothers. Psychologists suggest it’s not because their feelings have changed but because she is the only woman they have ever truly loved and now they are attracted to other women sexually, they distance themselves from their mother to avoid the possibility of having the slightest feelings towards her. This will change when they become more sexually focused. So although the mother may feel hurt, pleading, ‘You don’t love me anymore,’ or, ‘We used to be so close,’ is fruitless. The teenage son has enough to contend with so a guilt trip from his mother is certainly not needed.

Fran: ‘Being out in a public place with your parents is sometimes embarrassing enough, attempts at hand holding and hugging is pushing it way too far and will most likely be rejected.’

Little Things Mean a Lot

We know that teenagers have different priorities to us and it seems that although most of our time is spent thinking and worrying about them, they seem to spend less than a nanosecond thinking or worrying about us. They automatically assume and expect that as parents it is our job to house, feed, educate, clothe them and chauffeur them around. But it’s the little things we do for them which will get noticed, the small acts of kindness that in the larger context will leave your teen feeling reassured and confident of your love.

Send text messages of ‘Good luck’ for exams, and ‘Hope you’re feeling better’ if they feel off colour or low. Cook their favourite meal or buy their favourite treat after a success or a failure, however trivial it may seem. Help your daughter tidy her room and then surprise her by putting a vase of flowers in it. Make sure the outfit they plan to wear at the weekend is clean and ready. If you realize they’ve forgotten to take in their Science project, take it to school

Little things mean a lot

but, when you hand it over to them, rather than the lecture, ‘Why are you so disorganized, you’ve got to learn…’ simply say with a smile, ‘It’s a good job I love you so much.’

These small acts of kindness will be remembered and are appreciated even if it is not mentioned at the time and eventually your child will start to emulate them by doing little thoughtful things for you and other people – not immediately, you understand, but eventually.

Do remember to actually tell them you love them, but not to tie it to a condition, ‘I love you when you’re home on time,’ ‘I love you when you work hard.’ Always keep it unconditional, ‘I love you.’

attention

Although teenagers will start to want their privacy and spend more time with their friends, they still need their parents’ attention. Teenagers can still act up for attention if they are not receiving any and, just like young children, if they only ever receive attention when they misbehave, they will misbehave. So, if they start throwing their weight around or behaving in an immature, silly way, act just as you would with a toddler tantrum, and simply ignore it. Walk away, shut yourself in your room, never reward stupid behaviour with attention.

Give them attention by talking to them, discussing their interests and friends, or encouraging them to join you for a game, or ask to see them skateboard or show you their ball control, whatever it is they do well. And praise them when they are behaving well or simply just chilling out with their siblings without fighting or squabbling.

Three Respect (#ulink_dba4b95e-34d6-53d6-be4e-b2ad41502277)

mutual respect

One of the biggest contributors to the problems parents have with their teenage children is the lack of respect they show (the parents, not the children!).

Parents constantly make demeaning comments within their earshot, such as, ‘Oh, he’s just going through a stage,’ ‘He’s just being a Kevin,’ ‘Teenagers, they’re all alike,’ ‘What does she know, she’s just a child?’ Any of these statements are likely to cause a severe breakdown in communication and so they should – how would you feel if someone said about you, ‘Oh, she’s just a housewife,’ ‘Typical, he’s only a father,’ ‘What does she know, she’s just a woman,’ ‘Pah, parents, they’re all the same’? You’d no doubt be hopping mad and you certainly wouldn’t respect the person who said it or anything else they said.

How can we possibly expect our growing children to show us any respect if we constantly disagree, nag, shout, moan, lecture and judge, not only to their faces but to others in their earshot?

Can you imagine if your boss complained about you to other members of staff and in front of everyone shouted at you how awful you were, adding that your attitude made him sick, he hated the way you dressed, but then what else should he expect from someone of your age? Would it make you want to:

1 Show enormous respect for your boss?

2 Try harder to please him?

3 Tell him to stick his job up his derriere?

Exactly, now had your boss taken you aside and talked his complaints through face to face, calmly, more diplomatically, and asked your opinion on how to improve things, don’t you think it would have made a difference?

When your children were toddlers they had their own ideas and opinions, so obviously ten to twelve years down the line they have a few more which, regardless of whether you may or may not agree with them, you must respect. Whether it’s clothes, music, friends or politics, they are entitled to form their own individual thoughts, even if you suspect they have been influenced by their friends, a particular celebrity, or a music video.