e: A Novel

David, I must apologise for the way things looked this morning. With the kerfuffle of the drill, I can appreciate how my karmic state of creativity could so easily have been misread for something less productive.

Bizarre as it might appear, flat on my back in my underpants is invariably the repose in which my finest ideas arrive.

The artistic process defies rationalisation.

Legend has it that a personal hero of mine, Bernie Taupin, has reconstructed his father’s potting shed at the end of his garden in Beverly Hills.

It is in there that he writes all his lyrics.

When the result is something as ethereally wondrous as Candle in the Wind it seems churlish to mock his eccentricity.

But I digress. I write with the news that the answer to the Coke challenge came to me during my reverie. The indefatigable Susi is printing off the scripts as I type.

I would love you to have a preview in advance of the 3.30.

You may, of course, disagree, but I believe it is the advertising idea that the ladies and gentlemen from Atlanta have always deserved but, until now, have never had.

Si

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 2.38pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… deathwish…

Bring the work up. I sincerely hope it’s as grand as you make out.

Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 2.39pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… trousers

Have you managed to get my trousers dry yet, darling? Sneak them in here, because I need to see David immediately.

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 2.40pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… trousers

They’re still a little moist in the crutch, sweetie, but I think they’ll get you by. I’ll just pop them under the hot-air drier in the ladies … Sx

Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 2.41pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… stationery requisites

I’m out of blue and yellow but I still have plenty of paper clips in other colours. Come and get them! Nige

Shanice Duff – 5/1/00, 2.45pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… HELP!

Hi, Rachel. I’m desperate to talk to you, but no-one’s answering your phone. I’ve just got back from a late lunch and found a billion rude messages on my voice and e-mail. As you know, they made Ken leave immediately and now everything’s going wrong. I haven’t a clue what to do and is it true that David’s going to fire me, too, if I don’t fix his toilet personally? Please call me. I’ve got one of my heads coming on.

lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk

5/1/00, 2.55pm

to… debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

cc…

re… still here

Debbie, feel free to e me back. Boss loves me – didn’t actually say ‘sorry’ but came close (read attached e – shows you what I’ve got to deal with). Got to tell you what just happened. There’s a ponce called Horne in charge of the creative department. He just came up with these TV scripts for Coke. He swans in and reads his ideas out to Boss. He’d done these cartoon bubbles and they’re all singing, ‘If you pop, you won’t stop’ – thinks it’s the fucking dog’s. Boss points out that it’s a rip-off of Pringles Crisps mixed up with something Horne did fifty years ago for Fun Pops or something. Even if it wasn’t, it’d still be shite. Horne gets precious, then Boss goes green – he can’t breathe and he’s gripping the table. I thought he was having a fucking heart attack and I’m trying to remember first aid from Girl Guides, but apparently this is what he always does when he loses it. Horne bursts into tears. If he didn’t earn £300,000 I might feel sorry for the git. This is like a normal meeting in Boss’s office. Can’t wait to start on the creative floor. Horne might be a tosser but at least his department are a laugh. I might shag that Bart/Brad guy (real name’s Liam). He’s sending me these horny e-mails and I’m a sucker for luurve letters … Lolx

Attachment …

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 3.05pm

to… Lorraine Pallister

cc…

re… sorry seems to be the hardest word…

… so I won’t say it. However, you may not have had the stiffest of competition, but you remain the most efficient PA I’ve had in some time. My previous e-mail about the washroom was supposed to be ironic – do they have that in Manchester? I just want it fixed. I’m sure a girl as obviously intelligent as yourself will find a way. And bring me tea.

Rachel Stevenson – 5/1/00, 3.10pm

to… All Departments

cc…