e: A Novel

I have a plan.

Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 11.16am

to… Creative Department

cc…

re… FIRE DRILL

The fire drill that will take place in a few minutes is very important. As the fire officer for this floor, I have been informed that the London Fire Brigade will be observing and the renewal of our fire certificate depends on it. Stop whatever you’re doing when the alarm sounds and clear the building calmly and quickly. Ken Perry stresses that this drill takes precedence over any meetings or reviews that are scheduled for that time.

Liam

Designated Fire Officer

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 11.29am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… EMERGENCY!!

Simon, unlock your door now. David’s on his way down!!

Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 12.07pm

to… Accounts Department

cc… David Crutton

re… good, but not good enough

Our evacuation time of 3 minutes, 17 seconds was quite outstanding and does the accounts department credit. I am proud to call myself your fire officer. However, we were beaten by an adversary from a most surprising quarter. The creative department cleared their work stations and were out of the building in under two minutes.

Isn’t it great that another department has decided to take up the challenge of achieving fire drill excellence? It can only push us to raise our own standards. I propose weekly training sessions. Then next time those creative johnnies will have a contest on their hands – Nige

Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 12.15pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… Naga-fucking-saki!

You and Vin shouldn’t have buggered off to the pub straight after the drill because you missed a grade-A spectacle. When the alarm rang Crutton went straight to Horne’s pad. It was locked so he collared one of the firemen and made him pulp it with his axe! Horne was inside comatose and semi-naked – totally fucked from some celebrity piss-up last night. Hadn’t heard a thing. Didn’t know about the drill, the review, nothing. I’ve seen Crutton lose it before, but this was breathtaking. Horne’s a gibbering wreck now. Susi’s feeding him Valium like they’re M&Ms. And Ken Perry just got the elbow for having the front to hold a drill at the same time as Crutton wanted to look at some creative work. The way it’s shaping up, we’ll all be out of work by the end of the day – worth it just to witness Armageddon. Only a few days behind schedule, too.

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 12.21pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… deathwish…

… do you have one, and have you the faintest idea how close you are to realising it? The only reason you still have a job is that at this moment I have no choice but to keep you on. With business at the critical stage it is right now, even a creative director of stupefying incompetence must be marginally better than none at all. I’m going to lunch. When I return at 3.30 we will hold the Coke review.

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 12.42pm

to… Lorraine Pallister

cc…

re… crap

To add to the metaphorical shit that’s been swilling around this office today, we have a surfeit of the real thing in the executive washroom. The toilets are blocked and overflowing. Get maintenance to fix it while I’m at lunch. Failing that, do it yourself.

Lorraine Pallister – 5/1/00, 12.54pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… crap

That may be a problem. Since you let Ken Perry go, no-one seems to know where the rods and plungers are kept. As for doing it myself, I only deal with the metaphorical stuff. Sorry.

Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 12.59pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… thank you

Darling, you have been an absolute lifesaver this morning.

You seem to be the only person who truly understands the pressure cooker in which I operate. Thank you for your empathy.

Could you do me a couple of favours before you pop out for lunch?

First, let my department know that the Coke review will now take place at 3.30, and I expect no tardiness.

Then have someone from maintenance replace my door. I cannot possibly be expected to do my best work without some sort of protective barrier from the ignorant hordes.

And when you are out could you nip to Dickens and Jones and get me something smelly for Celine? – You know what she wears.

For some unfathomable reason she would not let me in the house last night.