e: A Novel

re… behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment

Susi, I’ve spoken to Zoë. She’s very upset, obviously by Carla’s attack, but also by your e-mail. In future, I’d prefer you not to take these matters up without first speaking with me.

Zoë assures me that Carla’s outburst was completely unprovoked, and eyewitnesses bear this out. Given that Carla has now left and that Zoë is extremely traumatised, I think it best that we allow things to settle and try to forget the whole incident. Zoë will take up the position of David’s PA as of Monday.

Liam O’Keefe – 4/1/00, 5.15pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… steaming pile of shit!!!!

Harriet briefed us to carry on with Mako, and while she was at it she showed us Horne’s latest. All he’s done is take his L&L stuff and re-write it for … drum roll … R&M. (Recognize the casting?) The scripts are as amusing as William Hague’s sock drawer. Wake Vin and come and see them in five. Pinki’s going to see Perky (her clairvoyant).

Daniel Westbrooke – 4/1/00, 5.33pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

bcc… David Crutton

re… concerns

Simon, I have to say I am a little worried. I know you have been preoccupied with Mako of late, but I hope your department is not neglecting Coca-Cola. I am sure you appreciate that the eyes of the network are upon us, and winning this pitch would make Mako seem very small beer indeed.

Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 5.52pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… needless hassle

I have come back from a very delicate meeting at the Groucho with Quentin Tarantino’s British agent.

I feel Tarantino is very close to agreeing to shoot our Kimbelle commercials provided we have a sufficiently high body count.

The kudos we would reap from this is incalculable.

I should be returning to a well-earned pat on the back. Instead I find demented e-mails from both Harriet and Daniel on my laptop.

My loyalty to Harriet is wearing thin. Why should I defend her increasingly flaky behaviour if she deals behind my back in this way?

Her sniping at my new Mako work does, of course, gall.

But this must be our recommendation to the client. We cannot risk making ourselves look weak and uncertain by presenting more than one campaign.

Having said that, I can live with another team continuing to look at the brief. It is pretty unlikely that they will best my campaign.

If they do, you know that I will be the first out of my seat to lead the ovation.

As for Daniel, his fears that we will not deliver on Coke are, frankly, hysterical.

Perhaps you should remind him that I was in the same room as the legendary John Webster when he came up with the ‘lipsmackin, thirstquenchin …’ ad for Pepsi.

Furthermore, was it not I who created ‘Mr Ffffizzzzzy’, the zany animated bubble, for Fun Pops in 1982?

What I do not know about advertising carbonated drinks to British teenagers is not worth knowing.

Si

Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 6.02pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… tense, nervous headache

What a day, darling! Be an angel and book me a cab to Bibendum in thirty minutes.

Then a couple of Nurofen and a shoulder-rub would not go amiss.

Susi Judge-Davis – 4/1/00, 6.04pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… tense, nervous headache

Cab’s ordered, darling, and I’m warming up my hands. Sparkling or still with the tablets? Sx

Melinda Sheridan – 4/1/00, 6.23pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Worried of Television

I’ve just bumped into David in the corridor and he congratulated me on being so close to finalising a deal with Quentin T. for Kimbelle. When I pleaded ignorance, he told me there was no need to be so coy, and that he knew negotiations were at an advanced stage.

Alarm bells are ring-a-ding-dinging. While I must say that ‘Reservoir Dogs meets the super-absorbent panty pad’ is an intriguing notion, I was not aware that any scripts were written yet. Are we not placing cart before horse? If we commit to QT and can’t deliver, I shudder to think …

Si, sweetheart, I know the strain on your shoulders has been immense lately, but I do hope we’re not digging ourselves into another hole, à la Little and Large. My contacts in 90210 tell me that a Tarantino spurned is a far more frightening prospect. Unlike them, he carries a Magnum and he knows how to use it. I feel a meeting is in order.