e: A Novel

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… Coke

Please can you get a bloody move on with the Coke presentation. I would like to remind you that it was only my pleadings that saved your job last year after the Arabian Airways débâcle. If a few simple pie charts are causing so much trouble, I am not sure why I bothered.

Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 12.09pm

to… Zoë Clarke

cc…

re… fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

God, you won’t fucking believe what’s happening!!! Just got an e from stupid bloody Rachel telling me I’m not being offered the job with Crettin any more!!!!! Just because of that stupid thing with the Arabs!!!! It wasn’t my fault – those tequilas were spiked. I honestly thought it was forgotten. Can you believe it?!!!! I feel so humiliated!!!! It’s not that I was going to take the stupid job – who’d want to work for that git anyway?!!!!! It’s the bloody principle!!!! Do you think I can get them for false misrepresentation? Can we go to Bar Zero for lunch? I really need your support right now!!! Cxxx

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 12.11pm

to… Zoë Clarke

cc…

re… job changes

Unfortunately Carla Browne’s move to David Crutton’s office didn’t pan out as we’d hoped. However, David would very much like you to consider the position yourself. Obviously it would represent a big change for you and I’m sure you’d like to talk about it. Perhaps you could give me a call and we can find a time.

Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 12.13pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… job changes

On my way!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 12.14pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking shit, fuck!!!

God, you poor fucking cow!!! This place doesn’t deserve you!!!!!! Got to do some urgent copying now!!!!! The stupid hippie is screaming for it!!!! I’d ask Susi to help, if she wasn’t such a bitch!!!!! See you at lunch – you need a friend right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Zxxx

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin

4/1/00, 12.30pm (2.30pm local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… Coke

So, you await for your Coca-Cola documentation? Oh, how I sympathise with your plight! Before Christmas already I am asking for new light bulbs in the executive toilet, and still I am dangling. Both cubicles one and two are in gloomiest black pitchness and it is only because I did so much night training during my national service that I am able to avoid brown-staining embarrassment!

Perhaps we should place the issue of staff respondingness at the top of the agenda at the forthcoming Miller Shanks CEO Conference in Waikiki.

Aloha! Pertti

Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 2.23pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… this shit hole!!!!

God, it was good to get out of here at lunch!! Hope you feel better!!!!!! Remember what I said – I think you should definitely, definitely leave!!!!! You’re my best friend in the world and I don’t know how I could work here without you!!!!! But you’ve got to think of yourself, and you’re better than this place!!!!! Zxxx

Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 2.27pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… job changes

Rachel, thanks so much for the offer. I’m so excited that Mr Crutton suggested me for the position. Obviously it entails extra responsibility and is a big step up. As I said I would, I’ve given it a lot of thought over lunch. In the end, though, it’s an easy decision to make. I’d be thrilled to accept – Zoë

Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 2.29pm

to… Zoë Clarke

cc…

re… this shit hole!!!!

I don’t know what I’d do without you, Zoë!!!!!! You’re the only one in this stupid bloody place that stops me from going mad!!!!!!!!!! I do feel better, and I’ve decided that I’m not going to resign!!!!!!!!! I can’t let those bastards win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

Zoë Clarke – 4/1/00, 2.41pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…