e: A Novel

re… Simon’s diary

Si’s having a terribly stressful morning, so if you have work you need to see him with, could you keep it till later, please. If it’s frightfully urgent, give it to me and I’ll try to get it in front of him. Thx … Susi.

Melinda Sheridan, 4/1/00, 9.39am

to… Harriet Greenbaum; James Gregory

cc…

re… bat suits

A dickie bird tells me that we are no longer to produce three forty-second commercials for Mako featuring Messrs Little and Large.

Why are us mugs in the TV production department always the last to hear information of crucial relevance to us?

Simon assured me that the scripts were as good as signed off by the client and you must be aware that we have contracts with these gentlemen of mirth. They will expect money. They have also been to four wardrobe sessions, so I now have a pair of made-to-measure bat suits with pink Lycra capes in my possession, as well as an invoice for £16,000.

It never rains, darlings …

Nigel Godley – 4/1/00, 9.39am

to… Carla Browne

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re… helpmate

Top o’ the morning! It was so nice to be able to help you with your document last night. Remember that creating presentable charts on PowerPoint is easy-peasy so long as you remember Nige’s Handy Hints! Any time I can be of service, look me up in my little cubby in accounts – Nige

PS: want bags-first option on the waffle iron?

Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 9.52am

to… Zoe Clarke

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re… fuck, fuck, bloody fuck!!!!!

Fucking hell!!!! I’ve done the stupidest thing!!!!!!! I only got that dick, Nigel, who does the timesheets to help me with the Coke document last night. I’m a fucking idiot, I know – but it was nearly midnight and I just wanted to go home!!!! Now I can’t get rid of him!!!!!!!! Think he fancies me!!!!!! What am I gonna do?!!!!!! He wears grey slip-ons and he’s into the Shopping Channel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Cxxx

James Gregory – 4/1/00, 9.54am

to… Harriet Greenbaum

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re… it wasn’t me!

Harriet, I know what you’re going to say, but it wasn’t me. swear I never told Melinda or anyone else in TV that the client had signed off approvals on L&L. I don’t know how this could have happened. Can we hide the 16k on another job?

Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 10.16am

to… James Gregory

cc…

re… it wasn’t me!

I know it wasn’t you. This account has been going rat-shit since a certain senior member of the creative department took up permanent residence in Teletubby Land. Don’t worry, I’ll handle it.

Ken Perry – 4/1/00, 10.24am

to… All Departments

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re… 0898

As from today you will no longer be able to dial the premium-rate numbers prefixed by 0898. These form a significant portion of our monthly telecom overhead.

I appreciate that many of you find the business and traffic bulletins available on these lines invaluable. I apologise for the inconvenience, but ask you to find alternative sources for the information thus obtained.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 10.33am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Mako

I’ve had an alarming e-mail from Melinda regarding an obligation to L&L. I’ve tried to come to talk to you about it, but Susi wouldn’t let me anywhere near you. I am quite certain that no-one on my team authorised you to run up pre-production costs on Little and Large.

It beats me how this has happened. Perhaps you can apply your legendary creativity to helping us recover the 16k Melinda says we’ve spent.

Liam O’Keefe – 4/1/00, 10.58am

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… need aspirin