e: A Novel

We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

‘Is it a gold?’

Si

Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 11.34pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… anybody out there?

It’s 11.30 and I’m still here, collating timesheets. E me back if you, too, are still ‘at the coal face’!

Nige

Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 11.36pm

to… Nigel Godley

cc…

re… anybody out there?

Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts on PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4

.

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 7.57am

to… Harriet Greenbaum; Simon Horne

cc…

re… Mako

Last night the entire dress circle at the Royal Opera House was disturbed by my mobile phone. The MD of Mako UK wished to know how many times he has to tell us he doesn’t like Little and Large before we get the message. What were his precise words? ‘Putting those end-of-pier excuses for comedians behind the wheel of my brand new, £22,000 executive saloon is not my fucking idea of sexy car advertising.’ I think he made his point.

I’d like the pair of you in my office in thirty minutes and perhaps we can work out how not to lose this account before we’ve made a single ad for them.

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin

4/1/00, 8.02am (10.02am local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… Mako

It’s good to see you starting off your day with the early worm, too! How we are loving your Little and Large here in Finland. All of their Seaside Specials are on Satellite Golden Hits Station. Such a pity Mr Mako isn’t sharing your cutting-edge excellent good taste. Oh, well, clients like these are the crutches that we who are choosing advertising must be bearing.

Pip pip! Pertti

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 8.09am

to… Chandra Kapoor

cc…

re… P45s

Yesterday lunchtime I informed you that my e-mails were misrouting to Finland. I expected an immediate response. So far, sweet fuck-all. I’ve met plumbers more reliable than your department. Do you actually want to end up outside Mile End tube flogging the Big Issue?

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 8.17am

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… IT

In the midst of some grief I’m having with my e-mail, I had a brainwave. During WW2, when the Nazis were having difficulties with the French Resistance, they’d round up the population of an entire village. Then, for every hour that the partisans didn’t give themselves up, they’d shoot a villager in the head.

I’d like to do something similar with IT. I suspect that shooting them is out of the question, but how about firing one of them for each hour they don’t sort out my problem?

I’d be obliged if you could check out the legality of this under current employment legislation.

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 8.32am

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… IT

David, I’m so sorry. I just got Chandra on the phone. He was unaware of your trouble. If you’ve been trying to reach him by e-mail, he hasn’t been getting them. He says IT is extremely busy but he’ll get straight onto it.

Nigel Godley – 4/1/00, 8.43am