e: A Novel

re… hooray!

I’m so pleased for Carla that she’s been offered the chance to work for David! She really, really deserves it and I hope she says yes. I think it’s brilliant that we work for a company that’s prepared to give second chances. That embarrassing thing with the Arabian Airways client wouldn’t have been treated nearly so sympathetically by a lot of agencies – Zoe

PS I know you swore her to secrecy, but I hope you don’t mind her telling me – I am her best, best friend in the world!!!!!!!!

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin

3/1/00, 4.13pm (6.13pm local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… FASCINATING FINLAND

Oh, how your last e-mail has ignited a debating! ‘The dullest country in Europe’? We are compiling a small list of ‘Finnish Delights’ to provide you with foodstuff for thinking.

• The noble reindeer.

• 397 different flavours of vodka.

• A thriving dancing scene inspired very much by your own Pan’s People.

• The Autumn Skate-a-thon in Räahe, which is lasting for four days and nights!

• Reindeer à la Grêcque, the speciality of the head chef at the Helsinki Holiday Inn.

• The annual clubbing of the pilot whales on Björkoby Island.

• The National Museum of the Herring in Väasa.

I will be making sure to send to you a copy of the Finnish Board of Tourism and Fisheries’ illuminating booklet, Finland: the Culture, the History and the Fish. I think you will be finding it most stimulatory!

Tally-ho! Pertti

PS: My own creativity boffins are now working out their first ‘well-wicked’ Coca-Cola concepts. You are baiting your breath, yes?

Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.16pm

to… Rachel Stevenson

cc…

re… Carla Browne

Carla tells me that she has been offered the job of Personal Assistant to David. Pardon my French, but I am getting really bloody hacked off with this place. Why am I the last person to find anything out? I would stand more chance of knowing what is going on here if I went to the Groucho and heard it from the chaps at Saatchi and Bartle Bogle.

This is bloody awful timing. I am in sole charge of the most important pitch in this agency’s history. How am I supposed to manage without adequate secretarial support?

I have been at Miller Shanks for fifteen years and it would be nice just for once to be treated with the respect due to the Head of Client Services.

Daniel Westbrooke – 3/1/00, 4.24pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Carla Browne

I am so chuffed for Carla that she has decided to take you up on your fantastic offer. She is a cracking girl and her time in the exacting role of PA to Head of Client Services has prepared her well. Much as I will miss her, I am certain you will be brilliant for each other. If there is anything, anything at all, that I can do to help her make the transition to the seat outside the Big Office, please do not hesitate to ask. Superb choice!

Brett Topowlski – 3/1/00, 4.43pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Seen that temp who’s in for Crutton? Vin picked up her pheromones in no time – I swear that boy’s dick is a divining rod when it comes to muff. Find an excuse to use the copier by her desk, then look at the bird on p46 of Razzle (36DD/aerosol of Anchor Cream/torque wrench). It’s her twin!

Zoe Clarke – 3/1/00, 4.59pm

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… SLAPPER!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have you seen the Crettin’s temp yet? Talk about cheap!!!! Just saw Vince Douglas dribbling all over her cleavage!!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe I used to think he was cute? Zxxx

Ken Perry – 3/1/00, 5.08pm

to… All Departments

cc…

re… carpeting

You may have noticed that new carpet tiles went down in reception during the Christmas break. To ensure even wear and tear across the full width of the carpeted area, could employees below the level of group account director please make the short journey from front door to lifts by stepping round the perimeter of the foyer? This will leave the all-important central tread zone for senior management, clients and other visitors.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 5.36pm