e: A Novel

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… PHWOOOAR!

Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the Totty Scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like a Boddington’s bird. Brace yourselves – I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

David Crutton – 3/1/00, 6.09pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… fucking ghost ship

I just walked our Freedom Catalogues client through our ‘energetic, buzzy creative department’ and it’s like the Mary Celeste down there. Even your hot-shot, Pinki, was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried-and-trusted principle of ‘last in, first out’ (which would put you at number five on the list).

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.42pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… fucking ghost ship

I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

It is time to apply Timberlands à derrières. Leave it to me.

By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

Apparently, they bombed our campaign out before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet ‘forgot’ to mention it.

We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots.

We are up a creek by the name of merde.

Sans paddle.

As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.

Si

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.44pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… teams

Susi, darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.48pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Mako

Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas, I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large, but he remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting they were surprised and disappointed that we were representing the same work.

Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 6.50pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… teams

Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling … Sx

Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.59pm

to… James Gregory

cc…

re… Mako

You were at the meeting so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 7.28pm

to… Creative Department

cc…

bcc… David Crutton

re… your careers

A nightmare is developing on Mako.