e: A Novel

Just got in. Read your e. Fuck, that was some night. Lol? My lips are sealed. Will Vin ever talk to me again? Hope so – got to tell the poor geezer what he missed out on.

No more 0898? How the fuck am I supposed to talk to Trixi on Ripe ’n’ Raw 1–2–1 now? She’s the only bird I know who truly understands a bloke’s deep-rooted need to talk about massive tits and impractical lingerie.

Head needs Bloody Mary. BZ at lunch, or will you be at your desk making squeaky with your markers?

Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 11.15am

to… Harriet Greenbaum

cc…

re… Mako

So, on top of everything else I am expected to fret about the purse strings?

I believed that once the client saw Little and Large standing before him in bat suits, even a Neanderthal like him would no longer deny the self-evident merit of the idea.

Was I so wrong to think £16,000 a small price to pay in defence of our art?

Clearly I was naïve to assume I would have your support.

But I am a professional, and not in the business of pointing fingers.

I will pick myself up, dust myself down and move on from here.

Simon Home – 4/1/00, 11.23am

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… Harriet Greenbaum

Believe me, David, I do not wish to drop anyone in the brown and gooey. You know that is not my modus operandi.

But I must make it clear that I had numerous verbal assurances from Harriet that the costs we were running up on Mako were authorised.

I am not having a go at her.

I have the utmost respect for her both as a human being and as an advertising practitioner. However, she has been under a great deal of stress lately.

There is a feeling about the office that James Gregory has been carrying her since her divorce. The unauthorised £16,000 may not be the only over-run on her business.

She needs our support at this difficult time.

Perhaps an audit of her other accounts would be helpful.

Si

Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 11.33am

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… need aspirin

Think you’ve got it bad? Vin and me have just been put on Kimbelle because you two useless gits can’t crack it. What we know about ‘the curse’ could be written on a very small Rizla. I don’t know how we’ll fit it in before we fly off to the sun-kissed island of Mauritius at the weekend for our LOVE Channel shoot, accompanied by top topless totty (over-endowed, over-eager and all over me). Don’t like to rub it in, but them’s the breaks. Vin’s getting over you and Lol the only way he knows. He’s got a spotty trainee from IT to help him surf the net for farmyard porn and it seems to be taking his mind off Miss Manchester. It’s quite touching how a pretty Danish dairy maid frolicking with a couple of Dobermans and a pig can restore a man’s spirits. BZ at 1.00.

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 11.45am

to… Carla Browne

cc…

re… job changes

Carla – I have an urgent issue to discuss. I have tried to call you about it, but you have been engaged for over thirty minutes.

I’m afraid there’s been a change of plan on the David Crutton front. He reviewed your file and felt he’d been wrong to overlook the Stringfellows matter with the marketing delegation from Arabian Airways. He regretfully feels that, given the minor diplomatic incident that ensued, a job with such a strong element of client and public interface would be inappropriate for you at this time.

We both feel very sorry to let you down like this, but want to reassure you that your future is bright, and, in Dan Westbrooke, you are working for one of the most respected executives in the agency.

If you’d like to discuss this further, please call me.

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 11.57am

to… Daniel Westbrooke

cc…

re… Coke

I believe I asked you to have a draft of the Coke presentation on my desk first thing this morning. Where the fuck is it? When I joined this company I only agreed to keep you on because you let Weissmuller use your house in Tuscany. If you can’t deliver a few simple pie charts on time, why am I bothering?

By the way, you can keep your secretary. I was reminded that the silly tart’s antics with a tequila bottle last year nearly started Gulf War II.

Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 11.59am

to… All Departments

cc…

re… IT’S A RECORD BREAKER

If you happen to go into trap 2 in the gents on the creative floor, please do not flush. The Guinness Book of Records has been informed.

Daniel Westbrooke – 4/1/00, 12.02pm