e: A Novel

re… fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In-fucking-credible!!!!!!! That two-faced, lying cow, Rachel, has only gone and offered me the Crettin job!!!!!!!!! I mean, doesn’t she know we’re best friends in the world?!!! The thing is, though, I think I’ve got to say yes. Before you go mad, I don’t want to, but I don’t really have a choice! It is 5k more and I’ve got a massive Barclaycard bill to pay off and my gas is about to be cut off!!!!! And you really, really didn’t want it, did you?!!!!!! Oh, God, what am I gonna do?!!!!!!!!! … Zxxx

Pinki Fallon – 4/1/00, 2.52pm

to… Ken Perry

cc…

re… emergency!

I think we need some of your maintenance guys to help us out here. There’s been a bit of an incident between Zoë Clarke and one of the other girls. Zoë’ll need a new desk lamp and PC, unless you can get the potting compost from the yucca out of her floppy drive. Also, there’s a bit of blood on one of the carpet tiles. It’s only a small cut, so no need for first-aid. Ta …

Simon Horne – 4/100, 2.55pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… hormonal women

Darling, have those dreadful girls finished their caterwauling yet? What was that commotion? I have to see David with a Mako idea and I would like to make it to his office with life and limb intact.

Susi Judge-Davis – 4/1/00, 2.56pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… hormonal women

The coast is clear, sweetie … Sx

Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 3.05pm

to… All Departments

cc… james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa

re… fuck the fucking lot of you!!!!!!!

I’m leaving now, but before I go there’s some things you should know!!!!!!!

• Zoë Clarke is a lying slag and she gave Simon Horne a BJ at last year’s D&AD.

• She swallowed.

• Daniel Westbrooke keeps tarts’ phone cards in his desk drawer.

• David Crutton buys his coke off Vince Douglas.

• Crutton also spent £3,500 in one night at a table-dancing club and put it through on his expenses as ‘qualitative research fees’.

• You can all fuck off and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 3.09pm

to… Chandra Kapoor

cc… David Crutton

re… urgent

Please delete Carla Browne’s User ID from e-mail with immediate effect.

Thank you.

Rachel Stevenson

Personnel

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 3.20pm

to… Harriet Greenbaum

cc…

re… cracked

It would appear Simon has saved your arses on Mako. He has shown me his new idea and it is a very clever way out. Come see.

james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa

4/1/00, 3.21pm (10.21am local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… Carla Browne

I’m concerned, David, very concerned. Is this Carla Browne the same individual who led us a merry dance with our Middle-Eastern friends? Is there truth in her ranting?

I am particularly troubled by her claims about narcotics. You will be acutely aware of corporate policy on this issue.

Reassure me that you haven’t a Monica Lewinsky on your reservation.

Jim