e: A Novel

david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

4/1/00, 3.27pm

to… james_f_weissmuller@millershanks-ny.co.usa

cc…

re… Carla Browne

Jim – worry not. The Carla Browne situation has been dealt with. We were certain that, after the Arabian Airways incident, her wilder personality traits had been subdued. Rest assured, she has now been marched off the premises, and will not return.

We reminded her that in the UK, we have some very tough slander laws and that if she repeats a word of her fantastical claims, we will bear down on her with the full weight of the legal establishment.

Of course, there is not one iota of truth in her bizarre allegations. Let me put your mind at rest completely on the drugs matter. All employees here know my strict views on this, and no transgression will be tolerated.

I’m sorry that this storm in a teacup has intruded on your busy day.

By the way, Coke is proceeding splendidly and we already have some very exciting thoughts on the table. I look forward to your coming over to this side of the pond to head up the pitch.

Please pass on my regards to your beautiful wife and lovely children.

David

David Crutton – 4/1/00, 3.31pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Coke

I’ve just had occasion to e-mail Weissmuller and I mentioned that we had some cracking Coke work in development. I trust you won’t let him down.

Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 3.46pm

to… Creative Department

cc…

bcc… David Crutton

re… one down…

… two to go. You now only have Coke and Kimbelle to crack. I have spent all morning and my lunch hour in the company of a layout pad. As a result I have solved the Mako problem.

I suggest you take a leaf out of my book.

If Susi tells me she has seen any of you idling by the coffee machine, I will want to know why.

If she mentions she has seen you slouching over the pool table, I will be livid.

You will remain at your desks wearing your pencils to stubs.

You will not show your sorry faces until you happen to be clutching ideas of astonishing brilliance.

Si

pertti_vanhelden@millershanks-helsinki.co.fin

4/1/00, 3.47pm (5.47pm local)

to… david_crutton@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… Carla Browne

Thanks for holding me in the loop-the-loop on matters of staff discipline and morale that you are touching on in your e-mailing to Jim.

It is fascinating me that you, too, have troubles with work hands going off the straight and perpendicular. Perhaps it is our sunless winters or our proximity to the vodka distilleries of the former Soviet Union, but we in Finland are having a similar problem with many company members becoming ‘one picnic hamper short of a luncheon box’!

I have a tip for you. I am employing the revolutionary techniques pioneered by Dr Jari Nepstad at the Nordic Institute of Animal Husbandry. These are involving giving staff a daily tonic concocted of the extracts of lemming spleen and reindeer urine. As a result I am seeing insanity rates falling by 18%. I mail the recipe to you, though maybe you find lemming spleen in short supply at your otherwise excellent Asian corner shops.

Keep your pecker firm and erect – Pertti

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 3.48pm

to… Lorraine Pallister

cc…

re… job changes

Lorraine, I know you’ve only been here five minutes, but I wonder if we can tempt you with a permanent position.

Zoë Clarke, one of the creative secretaries, will shortly be taking over as David’s PA, which would leave an opening in that department. It’s a really lively group of people on the 2

floor, and Simon Horne, the Creative Director, is a lovely, charming man. This is a fantastic opportunity. If you’re interested, call me and we’ll discuss.

Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 3.49pm

to… James Gregory; Katie Philpott

cc…

re… woe is us

I’ve been looking everywhere for you both. As soon as you’re back at your desks, I need you in my office. I’ve just come back from a meeting with David. Things, I’m afraid, are going from worse to abysmal.