e: A Novel

Simon has ‘cracked’ Mako. This is his idea: Reeves and Mortimer in bat suits. He believes it to be so brilliant that they’ll have to invent a new category of award to honour it. When I pointed out that he’d simply replaced Britain’s most unfashionable comedians with its most over-exposed, he wouldn’t have any of it.

The final nail in the coffin is that David not only loves it, he wants to build a church in which to worship it.

I don’t have much room to argue. The entire blame for the L&L disaster has been laid at our feet and our credibility is less than zero. To beat this one we must not only come up with a very convincing case against Simon’s new idea, but also a demonstrably better alternative. Let’s see what we can do. We still have three days.

Katie Philpott – 4/1/00, 3.53pm

to… Harriet Greenbaum

cc…

re… woe is us

Golly, what a pickle! Still, I’m up for a challenge. I’ll grab James as soon as he’s back from the loo and we’ll pop in – Katie P

Brett Topowlski – 4/1/00, 4.00pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… rumble in the jungle

While you were poncing around at some photographer’s studio shooting panty liners, you missed a top ruck. Carla vs Zoë, armed only with Rexel staplers and rouge noir nail extensions. They were tearing lumps out of each other when Pinki the Pacifist steamed in like a UN delegation and broke it up – crying bloody shame. I tell you, if boxing were only half as horny, it wouldn’t be going through a crisis right now. Picture Iron Mike in basque and fishnets. (Go on, I dare you.)

So Carla walks and Zoë’s going to work for Crutton? How the fuck did she swing it? Mind you, I’m not sure he’ll want her when he sees her shiner. And your babe Lol’s got the creative job. Compensation for when we jet off to the Indian Ocean paradise of Mauritius for the LOVE shoot to enjoy the shimmer of factor 2 on surgically enhanced tits – shame you won’t be there.

Wonder what Horne’s Mako idea is. Couldn’t be worse than Little and Large, could it? No, don’t answer that.

Susi Judge-Davis, – 4/1/00, 4.10pm

to… Zoë Clarke

cc… Rachel Stevenson

re… behaviour unbecoming of a professional establishment

I have just come out of a meeting with Simon, who is quite upset by this afternoon’s events. He has asked me to have a serious word with you.

He does not feel that fistfights on the creative floor are a thing to be tolerated and has asked me to have you relocated. I informed him that you are to work for David Crutton and, to be honest, he is worried. He is not sure that you are suitable and is going to ask David to review his offer.

Let me know if you’d like to talk, though I may be in conference with Simon as we have much to catch up on. Your antics have thrown out the whole day’s timing.

I try so hard to defend you, Zoë, but this time you have really let yourself down.

Susi

Liam O’Keefe – 4/1/00, 4.10pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… rumble in the jungle

Q1: Did you video the punch-up? Mel’s got a Digicam in her desk – tailor-made for this type of blue-riband sporting event.

Q2: Is our little Vinnie Douglas really Crutton’s Colombian connection? If so, tell him to cut it with some Vim next time.

Q3: Do you really think that going on about your poxy shoot in Mauritius is getting to me?

Got to go. Harriet is lurking outside our office and she’s wearing the sauciest Chanel knock-off. I could be up for this older-woman gig.

Pinki Fallon – 4/1/00, 4.15pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… stop it!

Do me a favour and stop trying to see down Harriet’s cleavage. I’m watching you do it now. Transparent? I could glaze a greenhouse with you …

Harriet Greenbaum – 4/1/00, 4.50pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Mako

Susi tells me that, having cleared shelf space for all the awards you are going to win for Mako, you are de-stressing at the Groucho. Whilst you unwind after your triumph, you should know that my team and I are not happy. I don’t see our client buying into Reeves and Mortimer any more than they did Little and Large. We’re disappointed that you’ve taken the rest of the department off the brief.

I would love to debate this with you, but as you are not here I’ve taken the liberty of talking to Pinki and Liam. I’ve asked them to carry on working on the project. Pinki believes in Mako. Its low emissions make it the sort of car she’d drive herself, if only she could drive. Liam believes in it because of the 0–60 figures, brightly coloured rear spoiler and beverage holder on the dashboard.

This commitment on their part will lead, I hope, to a very strong idea.

Before you blow a fuse, David is aware of all this. Whilst he still likes your work, he is never averse to covering all the bases and presenting more than one route. He is happy for Pinki and Liam to continue.

I have asked Susi to set up a review for late tomorrow. Given the fix we’re in, I think we should all be there.

I’m sure you will make your thoughts on this clear to me upon your return.

Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 5.05pm

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…