e: A Novel

cc…

re… an early review is a good review!

I was informing you that I wanted to review the work. I wasn’t asking you to be there. Please pay attention.

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 10.09am

to… Simon Horne

cc… Susi Judge-Davis

re… are you alive?

I’ve e-mailed you once already this morning without response. In fact, it seems my entire workforce has tried to make contact with you, with no success. I don’t expect any trouble today, Simon. You and I are going to review Coke at 11.30 on the dot.

Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 10.20am

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… Shit, meet Fan

Susi says Crutton has gone fucking apeshit. She doesn’t know why, but he wants a Coke review. 11.30 TODAY! Shit! Got anything? Me and Vin have sweet FA. We were slaughtered last night. Where the fuck were you? You were spot on, Lol wasn’t wearing knickers – had to drop my lighter half a dozen times to be certain. Anyway, only just got in, and the one line we had on Coke went up Vin’s nose last night. I have a bad feeling.

Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 10.27am

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… Neck, meet Noose

Coke, today? What the fuck is going down? Sorry I didn’t make it last night, but Pinki flew back in from her clairvoyant with one of her creative auras, so we did a late one. Reminded me why I put up with her and her Nick Drake albums. She was brilliant and came up with a blinder for Mako.

And stuff your problems. Think about me. I’m a fucking fire officer!

Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 10.50am

to… Accounts Department

cc…

re… let’s make this the best fire drill ever!

As your designated fire officer, I’d like to draw your attention to the diagrams I circulated to all of you. These set out your starting positions for the drill. Can you log off your PCs at 11.23 hrs and take your marks at precisely 11.25 hrs? This will ensure that when the alarm sounds at 11.30 hrs, you will be in the optimum state of readiness to make a safe and rapid evacuation.

And perhaps this time we will beat our previous best of 3 minutes and 21 seconds. Good luck, Team Finance!

Nige

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 10.52am

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc…

re… sort it

I’ve e-mailed your lord and master twice this morning, to no avail. You have also fobbed me off on the phone. You’ll know me well enough by now to appreciate that patience doesn’t figure in my genetic make-up. So let’s keep this simple. The Coke review will happen at 11.30. If it doesn’t, I’ll fuck your boss so badly, he’ll never get another job in advertising. In fact, he’ll be so shafted, he wouldn’t get work if he dressed up as a cub scout and did bob-a-job. I trust you’ll pass on the message.

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 10.54am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… PANIC STATIONS!

Darling, your door’s locked, and you won’t answer your phone or e’s. I’m sure you’re only having one of your ‘can’t-be-disturbed-creative-inspiration-moments’, but you should know that David is going mental and is saying some beastly things. He’s insisting that the Coke 11.30 happens. You are OK for that, aren’t you? I’m going to tell him you are anyway, before he explodes … Sx

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 10.57am

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… sort it

David, ever so sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but it’s been a madhouse with work down here. I’ve just spoken to Simon. He says 11.30 is fine and he’s really looking forward to it!

Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 11.09am

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… Balls, meet Vice

Susi’s just been in to tell us to get our stuff ready for the 11.30. Didn’t tell her we haven’t got any. We need this job – Vin still owes four grand on his Fireblade and I just got the insurance through for my R1 – £1,500! We’re fucked!

Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 11.11am

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… relief is at hand