e: A Novel

lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk

5/1/00, 1.05pm

to… debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

cc…

re… London calling again

Where the fuck do I start, girl? There was a fire practice this morning and it turned into WW3 with jokes. Next time I see you, have a bottle of Bacardi handy and I’ll take you through it.

Then Boss told me to clean out the bogs. He’s a scary fucker but if he thinks I’m dealing with his floaters he’ll have to pay me a lot more than £8 an hour. Told him to shove his bog brush up his hairy arse. Not those words exactly, but you get the idea. He’s gone to lunch and I reckon I’ll be out of a job when he gets back. Don’t e me here just in case. I’ll let you know.

Remember, however dull processing mail order gets, at least it’s not a bloody loony bin – Lol

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 1.07pm

to… Creative Department

cc…

re… Coke review

This is to inform you that the Coke review due to take place this morning will now happen at 3.30 in Simon’s office. Simon has also asked me to point out that after you let him down so appallingly this morning, he will tolerate no absenteeism.

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 1.09pm

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… thank you

Si, darling, you’re so sweet, but please don’t thank me. After all, if it wasn’t for your strength and wisdom under impossible strain, I wouldn’t be half the person I am. You’ve taught me so much.

I’ve let the department know about the review. I know you’re too nice to say so yourself, so I’ve also told them you’ll brook no silliness this time. I talked to Ken Perry’s Shanice about the door and she’s trying to order a new one. There may be a problem hanging it, though. Since Ken was sacked no-one has the foggiest where the key to the tool locker is … Sx

Daniel Westbrooke – 5/1/00, 1.50pm

to… Shanice Duff

cc…

re… front doors

I have a delegation of clients from the LOVE Channel waiting in the street. They are very cold and extremely wet – especially the two charming topless pool players. The automatic doors are refusing to open. I hazard it is some sort of electrical failure, though since I am not mechanically minded, who knows?

You must be aware that we are about to shoot a very expensive television commercial for LOVE, and this is hardly the way to imbue them with confidence in our abilities.

I suppose that in the unforeseen absence of Ken Perry, this falls to you to deal with. I would be very much obliged if this embarrassing situation could be remedied PDQ.

Daniel Westbrooke

Head of Client Services

Liam O’Keefe – 5/1/00, 1.53pm

to… Brett Topowlski

cc…

re… welcome back

If you and Vin managed to get past your two LOVE birds (Patsi and Despina – as a major pool fan I’d recognise those cueing arms anywhere), and then make it through the faulty doors, this will be the 2

e-mail you read, after Susi’s, about the 3.30. Well, it had to happen but at least I bought you an extra four hours. The Pink Buddha and me have just resurrected that campaign we did for the John Smith’s pitch last year. Horne will never remember it – off his face when he rejected it. I’m changing the pack shots on the storyboards from beer to Coke. Pinki’s got a problem with the line. ‘BITTER, MOI?’ doesn’t readily translate to cola.

Brett Topowlski – 5/1/00, 2.17pm

to… Liam O’Keefe

cc…

re… welcome back

We only just got in. Some geezer in a boiler suit had lifted an entire sheet of plate glass from reception and was helping the LOVE babes (who, you will be aware, are only in the agency for a wardrobe session for our exciting TV ad which is about to shoot on the idyllic beaches of Mauritius) totter up a stepladder and through the gap … welcome to Miller Shanks, at the cutting edge of modern technology.

Just done five Becks each but even so had a blinder on Coke. Surrender to it.

Nigel Godley – 5/1/00, 2.24pm

to… All Departments

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re… stationery requisites

Anyone who has been having trouble gaining access to the stationery cupboard since the departure of Ken Perry might be interested to know that I have a supply of paper clips in assorted colours and staples in two sizes. Although these are my personal property, I would be glad to help the company through this period of shortage. This is a limited supply, so only the genuinely needy, please.

Nige

Simon Horne – 5/1/00, 2.33pm

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… deathwish…