e: A Novel

I would like to remind you of prescribed practice in the event of fire, terrorist alert or other unspecified emergency. All departments have a designated fire officer. This person is responsible for the orderly evacuation of the premises.

If you are unaware of who your fire officer is, you will find a list on the noticeboard at the end of your floor. If you are a fire officer and are unsure of your duties, please see Shanice, my secretary, who will book you onto a short refresher course.

There will be a fire drill today at precisely 11.30am. Please treat it as REAL and stick to the evacuation procedure as outlined in the staff handbook.

And remember, drills save lives.

Thank you for your co-operation.

Ken Perry

Office Administrator

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 8.22am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… Coke

Last night I believe I sent you an e-mail telling you not to worry. Well, once in a while even I am wrong.

For reasons too ridiculous to go into, our colleagues in Finland have taken it upon themselves to work on the Coke pitch. In their enthusiasm, they have also chosen to inform Weissmuller of their efforts.

I don’t have to tell you how we’ll look if we’re trashed by a bunch of humourless, elk-shagging Scandinavians, but I will, anyway. We’ll look like total bloody cunts.

So let me apply a little pressure. I know the pitch is over a week away, but I want to review all work this morning. I have had a preview of the Finnish campaign, and it is unmitigated shite. Nevertheless, I want to make absolutely sure that there is no opportunity for us to be outdone.

We’ll review at 11.30, and I fully expect to be dazzled.

Susi Judge-Davis – 5/1/00, 9.01am

to… Simon Horne

cc…

re… morning!

Good night at Bib’s? Did you try the scallops with squid ink risotto? To die for! Anyway, your door is closed so I won’t disturb, but when you’re off the phone, please can you call David? He’s been trying to reach you since I got in, but I did what I’m paid for, darling, and stalled him. Harriet is after you as well. She wants to confirm the Mako review for the end of today. I told her not to get her hopes up! I’m going for a Pret’s latte. Do you want a choccy croissant while I’m there? Sx

Zoë Clarke – 5/1/00, 9.09am

to… Lorraine Pallister

cc…

re… welcome!!!!

Hi, we met really briefly in Bar Zero the other night!!!! I’m the girl you’re taking over from in the creative dept!!! Give me a shout and I’ll show you round and tell you what the job’s all about. Don’t worry about a thing, ’cos I’m sure you’ll fit in really, really well!!!!! Simon Horne’s PA, Susi, is an absolute love and she’ll make you feel right at home!!!! Zxxx

lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk

5/1/00, 9.15am

to… debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

cc…

re… London calling

Two days in London and I’m in advertising. I went to a temp agency last week and they got me into this place called Miller Shanks. They did those shite ads for Kimbelle – you know, the Artist Formerly Known as Ginger Spice bunjee-jumping, looking like someone shoved a high voltage cable up her arse. I’m working for the CEO (posh for managing director) who spends his whole time staring at my nipples like I just invented the things. It was only supposed to be for a couple of weeks but it’s turned permanent. Next week I start as a PA in the creative department. That’s the bit that has the ideas, but all I’ve seen them do so far is fifty grams of charlie. Some of the lads are a laugh though. One of them thinks he’s on for a shag, but he looks too much like Bart Simpson (overbite, spiky hair and slightly jaundiced). Mind you, after a few Stellas he starts looking like Brad Pitt, so who knows? Anyway, it’s fucking la-la land here. No one does any work. They just talk about it. Yesterday two secretaries beat ten shades of shit out of each other. Think that’s why I ended up getting offered the permanent job. How’s Salford since I left? Seen that sad twat, Terry? Tell him if he comes anywhere near London I’ll break his other thumb as well. Write/call when you can. Miss you – Lolx

Daniel Westbrooke – 5/1/00, 9.24am

to… Susi Judge-Davis

cc… Simon Horne

re… Coke

Morning, Susi. I trust you are well. I have been trying you and Simon but keep getting voicemail. I know you are both awfully busy, so I thought I would send you a quick e. David wants to review the creative work for Coke at 11.30. I know it is a pain, giving us all such short notice, so let me know if there’s anything my temp can do to help set it up.

Daniel Westbrooke – 5/1/00, 9.32am

to… David Crutton

cc…

re… an early review is a good review!

My temp passed on the message about the Coke review. Excellent! I agree, we should have the work on the table ASAP. I hope our creative wunderkinder do not let us down. I do not think any of them are in yet – knowing them, they will have been toiling away until the cock crowed. Let me know when we are on. I am ready and waiting.

debbie_wright@littlewoods/manchester.co.uk

5/1/00, 9.45am

to… lorraine_pallister@millershanks-london.co.uk

cc…

re… Salford replying

We have contact! Well done, girl! They pay a ton in advertising, don’t they? What you on – twenty grand? Higher? Salford’s the same old, but you’ve only been gone a week, so it’s hardly going to change. Did see Terry at Pizza Hut looking wounded/pissed – couldn’t tell really. Got to go. This isn’t like your new job – we actually have to work. Call soon. Love, Debs.

David Crutton – 5/1/00, 10.04am

to… Daniel Westbrooke